Back here?

 Whewww.... I had forgotten bout this so called my safe space to rant panjang panjang. Got lotta bebel here!

It is 2026, i am in my mid 20's, few years before hitting 30! and, finally I graduated with Honor, Alhamdulillah Ala Kulli Haal~ Found a job and start working before graduating, yet now I am resigning. tak ada rezeki at that place I believe. Insya'Allah, rezeki Allah tu LUAS!

I found someone, insya'Allah my future, my eternal partner, my imam. We met online, then I decide to meet face to face quite in a short time cause this gal almost 30! Ain't got time for cintan cintun for fun. She date to nikah terus! He agreed to meet and taraa almost 300 days together. I even introduce him too my family and friends.

Oh! Introduce him to my family on my birthday. I had never hosted my own birthday dinner, that was the first time ever ya! I did succeed to gather all my siblings include my in-laws and we had iftar together. It was a great dinner tho.

Also, currently I also menabung for my umrah on this October. No proper saving, but I believe Tuhan dah gerakkan hati to pray and wish for it, mesti Tuhan nak bagi punya. He is Maha Pemberi, Maha Mengetahui. Never sangka buruk or underestimate our God. Insya'Allah nothing is impossible.

I feel so blessed now. I ada dekat dengan my mak after almost 10 years in architecture school, i ada dekat dengan my bestie, I ada dekat dengan my partner. Tuhan tu sangat baik kan? Thank you God! 

Rindu

Hey, Assalamualaikum gang...

It has been 293 days my beloved ayah kembali kepada si Pencipta. *very deep sigh* 

What do I feel? How do I feel? How I'm doing?

Very well, Alhamdulillah. Tipulah kalau kata langsung tak nangis dah, but not as bad as dulu lah. I'm trying to get into my self back. Every time teringat ayah, I try my best to recall our sweet, happy moments together. And yeah, that help me ukir senyuman kembali.

I miss him. Rindu, memang rindu gila gila gila. Tapi kena redha dengan ketentuan Allah kan... *cliche gileee* 

What do I most rindu about my ayah?

I miss his beard. Aku paling tak suka bila dia have a clean licin habis shave. Sebab ayah aku ni suka cium aku. Yang adik-beradik lain  aku tak tau lah, tapi mungkin sebab aku paling kecik, sooo....

Okay, bila dia kiss dahi ke, pipi ke, memang terasa kasar janggut dia. I miss that. 

Kepada future husband I, silalah bela beard sikit. Kasi tajam-tajam sikit ye

Lepas tu, aku rindu gila nak ikut dia memancing udang. Pancing ikan aku tak berapa minat sebab lambat sangat! Kalau udang, copek yo... Tak kesah lah dekat lombong ke, sungai ke, kalau kolam lagi BEST! Sebab nanti mesti ada food cart datang jual jajan. LOL! Port kitorang dekat area Hulu Langat ah. Tapi tak tau wujud lagi ke tak kolam udang situ.

Ha! Lagi satu aku rindu pasal ayah aku. Ayah aku selalu sangat beli durian. Sampai tahap peti sejuk tu tak lekang bau durian weh... Gentle, kalau kau taruk kek red velvet secret recipe dalam tu, confirm rasa durian! Now bila ayah tak ada, aku pun kempunan macam mengandung 9 bulan nak makan durian. Dekat setahun dah tak merasa durian ha... I miss his figure bawak plastic koyak-koyak sebab duri durian. Lepas tu dia akan bentang surat khabar, lepas tu ajak makan berjemaah depan tv sambil tengok WWE! Weh, rindu weh...

Dah la. Sebak lak ha. Kang menangis sorang-sorang lak aku. Well, doakan Wan Zulkifli bin Wan Ismail dijauhkan daripada azab kubur, dan dipermudahkan menjawab soalan malaikat munkar dan nakir. 

Confession

 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum. As an intro, I'd to say if you are reading this and you know who I am in the real world, I wish that it just you who is reading this. No one else. And if we're totally strangers, you will know what people around me don't know.

11th March 2017, Saturday. The day that I hate to remember, to talk or write about. But till when? So, here I'm writing here bout it. 

My ayah, Wan Zulkifli passed away on that night.

At the evening was cool, with his hot nescafe tea. Enjoy his leisure front our house. Had a small chat with the neighbor. He maybe had a quick nap too. Then he take his dinner. My mak cook her awesome sambal tumis for dinner. Then he took another nap I guess.

While I'm enjoying dramas on my iPad, he wake up and charge his phone in the kitchen. Then he seat on couch and get up to the kitchen check on his incoming whatsapp. He did that twice or thrice. I just let him be. He look quite busy with his phone.

Suddenly, he stop. He sat on the same couch as before and started whining "Aduh". He push hard on his belly area. And that is how my only one super hero became ill. 

Early in the morning, doctor diagnosed he had a gastric problem. So, we thought he might be fainted. 

Like... No one ever died because of gastronomic thingy, unless it is ulcer or cancer or something worst than that.

After the ambulance came and after we done all the CPR and those emergency stuff, they informed us that my super hero is flew away, somewhere far away.

Start from that second, I realized. I had no man to protect me like ayah always do. I had no man to cheer me up. I had no man that can fetch me from my hostel. I had no super hero around me anymore. 

and I realized, I have to be my own super hero, since I have continue my life, my study, my dreams. Sure won't give up on those things.

and guess what, I realized another thing. A thing that bring me back to square one.

If only I success with my life, my study, my dreams that I've never give up, who will cheer me for that? Who will proud of? Who will congrats me?

Then my mak's face come, my siblings face come.

Sure, I still have them. But, the person only ever say he proud of me is him. It's my ayah, my only one super hero. He always did it for me. Even for those little things. Like when I finished my food, like when I can draw and colours, like when I can count more than ten, like when I finished my pre-school, like when I go up to the stage for receiving an award for my pointers. 

Only he make appearance for become my loyal cheerleader.

Like I said, I feel no one can ever protect me. I feel anyone can harm me freely. I feel like a hot air balloon with patches of holes. When the wind and storm come,  I feel like no one can save me, except my self. I feel like fighting alone without any backups.

I do have brothers. But they don't even mind about me. I don't even close with them. All I want is my ayah. I want him to protect me. To be on my side when someone pick on me.

This maybe what people might said "lack of  love" I don't mind that. Because I think it is true. I lost my dad, it mean I lost his love too. 

And some other people would said "Go find a mate" No. Mate are not the answer. It will burden me, it sure will burden him. I'll keep this special place in my heart just for who deserve it. He will be the only guy in my heart one after my father (*Of course after Prophet Muhammad S.A.W too) And now are not the correct time having him in my heart. Reserve for later on.

When my ustaz said "Ask Allah, Allah will give it the best for you" and I always ask Allah place my ayah in such a nice place with nice peoples. I ask Allah let ayah have better family there. I know that Allah is the mighty. That is where I realized all I have now is Allah.

I believe Allah will protect my family and me. Of course Allah will give happiness to my ayah over there. Insya Allah.

Wassalamualaikum.

Jujur Ku Katakan : RainGo

Assalamuailaikum, hye... 

Hari ni saya rasa macam penat semacam je... tapi tak pe! tak kisah la penat or tak, nak story mory jugak! Saya ada banyak cerita under the same topic. haaaa..... cegitu pon boleh. Saya asingkan one by one la ye, senang sikit nak faham...

Story-mory 1#

Ceginih ceritanya..... Hari tu adalah cikgu saya bagi tugasan band 6 (*almaklumlah, saya budak PBS), cikgu cakap boleh buat individual or by group. max member dalam group tu 2 sahaja. So, saya ajak kawan saya buat sama-sama. Saya pilih 'dia' sebab 'dia' boleh buat kerja berkumpulan. Kira dia bukan ahli tidur la... tapi tah kenapa, this time 'dia' banyak bagi negative comment bila saya tunjuk kerja yang saya buat. Biasanya tak, biasanya 'dia' akan betulkan or told me apa yang kena tukar and nak tukar dengan apa. Bila nak tambah isi, 'dia' cakap nanti 'dia' bagi, tapi at last saya kena buat isi tu by my self. Dah google tapi tak jumpa isi dalam bentuk image. So, the solution is ambil isi dan saya terpaksa buat edit gambar sendiri. Bila susah 'dia' cari saya, tapi bila happy go lucky gitu pergi dekat orang lain sampai 'dia' jadi tuli bila saya panggil, jadi buta bila nampak saya, jadi bisu bila saya tanya. So memang kenalah perkataan RainGo untuk dia. Lepas 'dihujani', bila jiwa telah ditumbuhi 'pelangi' yang telah disinari mentari, segera menghilangkan diri.

Story-mory 2#

Kelas Pendidikan Agama Islam untuk form two dekat sekolah saya, kelas khas iaitu kelas para cendiakawan dan murid yang genius belaka dan kelas saya di gabungkan. Setiap seminggu sekali kami akan luangkan masa 40 minit untuk sesi majlis ilmu. Kami pilih untuk buat tazkirah mengikut topik pilihan masing-masing. Setiap murid untuk kelas tersebut pasti kena bertazkirah sekali dalam tahun ini. Setiap kali kawan-kawan perempuan saya kena bertazkirah, mesti dia orang nak duduk sebelah saya. What for? dia orang nak saya tolong dia orang masa tazkirah tu berlangsung, sebab saya ni agak pandai tentang bab-bab jadi 'free talker'. Rasa macam dipergunakan pun ada. Orang yang tak rapat tiba-tiba jadi rapat untuk 40 minit dan 'blah' macam tu sahaja. Jadi, saya ibaratkan mereka yang buat macam tu dekat saya seperti 'RainGo'. Setelah dicurahi sinar mentari selepas ribut mendapingi, muncullah sang pelangi nan indah yang bersifat sementara.

Story-mory 3#

Saya kenal kawan saya ni dari tahun lepas, duration kenalan kami kurang daripada setahun tetapi kami agak rapat dan boleh digelar belangkas. Kawan saya ni, bila tinggal saya dan dia hanya berdua, punyalah rapat sampai orang pandang semacam je. Tapi bila kawan dia dah datang bawak gang, mula lah adengan saya dipinggirkan. Saya tak kisah, sampai kawan saya yang lagi seorang tu datang and said "Aha! Wan, are you a forever alone girl?", follows with her laugh. Saya tak suka menyampuk perbualan orang, bukan mengasingkan diri, I tried to 'involved' or join dia orang tapi rasa macam tak elok pulak. Jadi, saya pun tanyalah kat kawan saya yang telah 'mengIsland'kan saya tu. "Wey, pehal ha bile kengkawan kau datang kau macam tak layan kite? just asking, tak de niat nak be jelly or sakitkan hati." And she just replied "Dah dia orang datang kat aku, takkan la aku nak ignore dia orang?" I just smile. I made a conclusion that her classmate lebih memerlukan dia than me. Mentari berani menunjukkan sinarannya selepas renyai membasahi bumi sehingga bertemu jodoh bagi molekul wap air dan sinarannya dan terciptalah pelangi yang kejap untuk tatapan sementara.

Cukuplah story tu ya... Saya dah agak lali dengan manusia bersifat 'RainGo' ni. Saya nak minta maaf sekiranya saya pun pernah memiliki sifat ini dalam sedar mahupun tidak. Yang baik itu di teladan, yang jelik itu di jadikan sempadan.

Saya tak berapa suka akan pelangi. Saya bukan membenci ciptaan tuhan yang indah itu, tapi sifatnya yang indah datangnya dari hujan itu amat positif bagi saya sehingga ianya menghilang dan meninggalkan pemandangan dan tinggalah terik menjadi tatapan. Sifat cantiknya tidak kekal, tetapi kehadirannya mampu menceriakan hati seorang insan yang sedang berduka. Sekian sahaja daripada saya, Assalamualaikum. Al-fatihah untuk semua muslim yang terlibat dalam tragedi MH370.

Jujur Ku Katakan : I don't Want ...... On Blog

Assalamualaikum, how are you? fine? Alhamdulillah~ sick? Alhamdulillah~ kifarah maybe... insya'Allah.

Saya nak bagi tahu awal-awal (awal ke?) kat sini, saya kalau boleh saya tak mahu tulis entry masa marah, sedih atau terlampau gembira. Insya' Allah, saya akan mengawal diri saya.

Saya tak mahu gossiping dekat blog. Sometimes gossip can be fitnah right? Secara umum, ramai yang dah tahu bahawa dosa memfitnah tu lebih besar daripada pembunuh. Saya tak nak diri saya jadi lebih teruk daripada pembunuh! Wallahi, saya tak nak. Sekiranya saya pernah, saya nak minta maaf sangat-sangat maybe masa tu saya tak perasaan atau masa tu time jahiliah saya. Saya harap awak yang saya pernah fitnah tu forgive me please~ saya tak mahu nanti di padang mahsyar yang panas terik tu saya merangkak cari awak untuk minta maaf...

Jika boleh, saya tak mahu bergaduh di blog. Dulu saya pernah tergaduh sebab menggunakan shortform yang terlampau. Saya cepat melatah ketika itu, ye la... tak berfikiran matang lagi masa tu. Because of that insiden, saya agak takut untuk guna shortform di blog. If nak gaduh sebab bahasa ni saya memang awal-awal akan surrender. Saya pandai tulis in formal format only... tak best la if blog tu guna formal punya bahasa saja... Sorry ye~

Saya tak nak orang terlalu kenal siapa pemilik blog ni dalam alam blog ni. If tahu nama,keturunan or agama tu ok lagi. If tahu alamat,umur,number phone,personal email and so on yang agak personal tu......emmm... creepy nya~ tau nama cukup la. Aishah, that's all.

 

tu sahaja kot... okey, Assalamualaikum~

Jujur Ku Katakan : I've Hantuphobic

Assalamuaikum... hye, sihat tak hari ni? hope sihat... if sihat alhamdulillah...

Setiap hari Ahad pukul 10 malam kalau tak silap ada slot Saranghae dekat TV9 kan? sejak kebelakangan ni, asyik horror movie ja depa dok tayangkan... sometimes terbawak-bawak sampai dalam mimpi tau... ye la... saya ni jenis gedik, dah tau takut, pi dok tengok juga. Kalau duduk dalam bilik pun still boleh dengar bunyi orang mengilai, menjerit and others horror sound. Join along tengok hilang sikit seram sebab along ada je dekat tepi.

Bila tidur, saya jarang tidur dulu sebelum along. Saya akan join along buat apa je yang dia buat sampai dia nak tidur then I'll join dia tidur, so tak ada la saya tidur seorang diri gitu......

Based on apa yang saya tulis kat atas tu awak boleh tahu yang saya ni ada hantuphobic. Pernah dengar? Saya dah anggap benda tu sebagai penyakit sejak kecik lagi, mak is an army, ayah is an air-force so, sejak kecik lagi me and my siblings dah di ajar to not afraid of hantu but takut of only one, Allah. My along and angah tak ada penyakit ni sebab 'ubat' yang mak dengan ayah bagi effective untuk dia orang but not on me. Tah la... tak tahu kenapa. Mak penat cakap "Adik, hantu tu ada, tapi tok sah takut! Baca je al-fatihah dengan ayat kursi, tak adalah dia kacau awak." Tapi malangnya,saya still takut. 

Penyakit ni tak selalu muncul, ada masa tertentu. Bila kena night walk, biasanya pnyakit ni tak muncul, alhamdulillah... kalau dia muncul time kena night walk, mahu suruh cikgu call emak. If nak gelak, gelak je... saya tak kisah pun... okep dah! dah rasa malu pulak!

Assalamualaikum.

*Semoga semua persoalan tentang pesawat MH370 serta isi perutnya akan terbongkar ASAP. Amin~