Beli baju cekolah

Musim shopping untuk sesi persekolahan tahun depan makin hangat, makin meriah. Aku tercegat dekat counter cashier tu, macam macam gelagat aku perhatikan.

Suka betul aku perhati ibu ibu sibuk mengacu baju pada badan si kakak si abang, ayah ayah pula sibuk melayan karenah adik adik baby clingy. Ha, time tu mula aku emotional. I was like "Ayaaahhh.... Nak ayah dokong juga. Nak peluk ayah juga.... Nak merengek sambil peluk tangan ayah juga."

Ahahahahaha, emotional teruk weh😂 Bergenang genang ayaq mata weh. Sumpah rindu ayah...

Pendek Singgit

So, cuti sem ni aku decided to do part time job untuk sara hidup bulan pertama aku dekat rumah sewa nanti. Aku kerja as cashier dekat satu boutique ni.

Hari first, okay. Cun. Happy lah juga.. Even ada twice kot aku lupa bagi baki dekat customer. Lalai, tak focus.

Second day, my legs damn hurt. Sakit gila weh. Aku keep squat, bangun balik, take some steps around nak elak lenguh. Lenguh dia sampai dari toes sampai betis sejuk. That's mean poor blood circulation dekat area tu. Sakit, tak tipu. Hilang focus...

Lepas tu, aku punya lalai sampai tersalah scan items. Padahal dah cakap balik lepas scan "S, s, xs, s?" customer pun nod. At last, bila check. Lebih seringgit, sebab 2 s 2 xs sepatutnya. Buat hal betul aku ni.......

Ha, hari first aku closing dengan supervisor. So macam tak risau sangat. Second day, aku kena closing dengan cashier lagi sorang. Aku gelabah teruk. Kesian dia...

Nak nangis, sebab rasa serba salah. Rasa menyusahkan orang lain.

Budak KL ke?

Masa first first aku study dekat Negeri Sembilan ni, ramai yang boleh agak aku ni asal dari negeri mana at my first sentence bila berborak. Sebab aku dah biasa guna malay-english mixed together dekat sekolah menengah dulu. Malay dalam sentence tu just melengkapkan or memalaysiakan ayat tu je. Most of the time aku lagi selesa using english.

Tapi sekarang dah empat tahun. Counting days je ni... Ada yang tanya "eh betul ke kau dari Selangor-KL? Tak bunyi macam KL pun" 😂 I try to adapt dengan new surroundings, new place, new friends as soon as I Can. If I need to change and live better here, I will.

And I explained to them. Aku boleh guna accent KL, but now I'm in a place where bukan semua dari KL or Selangor. Boleh je aku cakap "sekejarp ah" or "wait ah". But I'm using "Jap eh" here. I'm trying hard to blend in here😅😂

Lepas tu, ramai dekat sini from 'Fxlda'. Nothing wrong bout where they came from. Tapi most of them have this one stigma towards Selangor-KL people. For most of them, orang dari KL ni semua kerek, berlagak, hidung tinggi, can't really speak in malay, tak tahan panas and so on lah. But it is totally not how we looks like or act like. 😂

Aku nak tulis sini pun rasa lawak kejap. After knowsing about that kind of stigma, they'll try to be like one. Ingat cool ke? It feels like you having a culture shock or worst, kami ingat kamu oramg mocking us🙃 So, nope. Bukan semua orang KL or Selangor snobby. Banyak sangat nengok drama nihhhh

KL people, Selangor people adalah still manusia. Kami masih rakyat Malaysia. Kami bertutur bahasa Malaysia, dan bahasa bahasa lain. We might doesn't have any specific accent, but we speak malay too.

Tak kisah mana asal kita, yang penting jadi diri sendiri. If changes needed to adapting in new environment, try. But don't made it up by your own thoughts or just because the stigma that passed down from your old fashioned men

Big Rock

Few days left before aku habis belajar dekat kolej ni... Next year dah start practical. Dah ada commitments, bills, rental, gas, foods, apa semua kena sendiri.

Aku risau, kot ada bulan tu aku terciduk terduduk tak ada duit, tang mana aku nak korek duit? Mak aku tak ada income, takat pencen, apa lah sangat.... Part time? Mall pun sama jauh dengan office.

Aku plan nak buat dropship, or jadi personal shopper. Kot rajin kot ada modal, buat business desserts kuih muih sikit sikit. Just backup untuk moments terciduk. Bukan business nak kaya, tapi nak survive...

Kalau nak kerja kedai makan, kena inject typhoid, amik kursus. Duit minyak lagi. Nak modal lagi...

Aku tak nak menyusahkan mak aku. I don't want to be a big rock on my mum's back. Mak dah tua, mak sepatutnya relax dah.. Anak tanggung dia,bukan vice versa...

Aku takut, aku takut aku menyusahkan orang lain. Aku takmau jadi beban orang lain.

And I knew that six months of job training won't be easy. Yelah, intern mesti intense kan?

Aku harap surroundings office okay. Tak minta best, kawtim baik. Enough to be called positive circle. Cukup aku tak rasa benci pergi kerja.

Sumpah, aku takut. Aku takut path I choosed all this time is the wrong path. I'm afraid even to sleep while having thoughts of it.

Semoga tuhan memberi kemudahan, kesenangan, ketenangan untuk aku lalui enam bulam akan datang tu.

Hoping for any black clouds and black dog doesn't appear within the period.

Insya'Allah, I'll try my best. Kerja elok elok. Pay back to mak. Belanja adik beradik. And let mak rest, toksah risau risau dah...

Kalau ada yang read this, know what? I really need your prayers. Doakan aku berjaya. Doakan aku tak membebankan sesiapa. Doakan aku please. Terima kasih, hanya Allah dapat repay semua doa doa tu

Air apa ni?

Semalam time aku otw balik rumah dari LRT, aku naik bas. Sedangkan mak aku pesan, naik grab. Sebab hujan. Aku tak dengar, aku naik bas juga.

Bukan saja saja, tapi time tu phone aku tak ada internet. Ada basic je, tu pun tak load pun booking grab aku. Aku ikhtiar, redha je at that time. Ye lah, internet aku habis sebab connect dekat laptop, nak render 3D. Duit memang habis beli top up je. Kalau habis, habis lah. Memang aku tak reti minta minta. Actually ada sikit, tapi aku simpan. Buat tambang pergi tengok rumah sewa hujung minggu nanti...

Masa aku jalan keluar station lrt, pergi bus station,  hujan rintik rintik je. Anmpak macam hujan baru nak reda. Aku doa, semoga aku dalam lindungan Allah, semoga aku balik, mak aku nampak aku tersenyum. Itu je yang aku fikir, balik jumpa mak.

Dah turun bas, aku kena jalan dalam 300m lebih nak sampai rumah. Time tu hujan turun quite kasar. Aku redha, dalam hati aku harap laptop tak basah lah😅 Aku pun selamba jalan, tersengih sendiri. Aku pun confused, air yang mengalir dekat pipi aku ni air apa. Air hujan ke? Peluh ke? Air mata ke? Semua dah bercampur😂

Dah sikit lagi nak sampai, ha kau. Hujan selebat lebatnya, package dengan guruh petir sabung menyabung. Takut, memang takut. Takut laptop aku basah, rosak.

Aku terpaksa jalan buka spectacles. Sebab memang raindrops penuh dekat glasses, tak nampak apa. Aku gagahkan juga, berlari anak. Dengan beg galas berat, awning tudung menyembah dahi, mata kecik sebab tak pakai cermin mata, aku berlari dalam hujan...

Sampai rumah, aku tak terus buka pintu dan masuk. Aku berhenti, tarik nafas, tengok keadaan aku. Aku tarik bibir biar senyum, aku buka pintu dan masuk. Mak aku muncul. Aku tersenyum, lepas tu gelak. "Heheheee sijuuukk"

Mak aku tanya, kenapa tak suruh grab tu berhenti depan rumah? Aku jawab, "tak ada grab. Ashah naik bas" masih lagi macam kerang busuk.

Aku berdiri atas alas kaki. Ye lah, aku lencun, takut lantai pun basah. Mak pun suruh aku mandi cepat cepat😅

Time aku shower tu, memang kaw kaw aku lepas air mata. Tak sangka aku tak disambar petir, tak jatuh tergelincir, tak kena langgar sebab tak nampak jalan, dan selamat sampai. Alhamdulillah...

Dan hari ni, aku turn on laptop. Nak sambung edit board. Tiba tiba laptop aku hang, stucked. Aku pun force off. Bila on, dia keluar bios utility EZ mode apa tah. Aku bukan faham pun.

Aku tak tahu la tu sebab kena air, dia jadi mereng ke, apa ke... Aku clueless.

Aku takut. Aku takut kena reformat. Sebab aku tak sempat buat backup board aku. Board design lama ada lah dalam pemdrive. Yang baru punya tak sempat buat back up, rushing nak balik awal hari tu.

Sometimes aku terfikir, kerja aku memang menyusahkan orang je ke? Susahkan mak. Susahkan teammates fyp aku. Susahkan lecturers aku. Memang hidup aku ni membebankan orang lain ke? Memang tak ada faedah sikit pun orang lain dapat dengan kewujudan aku ke?

Aku tak nak hidup kalau hidup aku ni membebankan. I don't want to live as a burden to everyone.

At the same time, it's not the time yet untuk aku mati. Suicide is big sin in islam. Aku pernah baca, whoever suicide, he/she will face 3 kinds of suffer. 1- to face the suicidal thoughts, 2- during death of the pain, 3- azab in akhirat which is kekal.

I'm afraid, terrified that I'm a burden to everyone....

Bila dia tahu

Back then after PT3, I applied for Kolej vokasional for diploma in landscape architecture. But I did it quietly and didn't even discuss with any of my family members nor friends.

On one fine evening, my ayah approach me. He asked "Adik... Adik a.. A... Ada apply masuk kolej ye?"

15 years old me surprised. I simply say yes. That's it.

I didn't even care how there were pool of tears that ayah hold by asking me that question. He smile, but holding tears. Again, 15 years old me didn't bothered with it.

But now I'm in my final year, I clearly remember how he stuttered asking for the answer from me. He knows that the school I applied isn't that near, 1 and half hour by drive the fastest from home.

I bet dia tahu yang anak dia will be aparted from him. Again. Yes. We actually had aparted about 2 years plus because of family matters.

It was really hard for all of us for that 2 years plus. We only get to meet like once every month for few minutes. He get to hug and give chocolates to calm his kids.

I never imagine to be apart from him since that. But Rembau isn't that far... Dua minggu sekali dapat jumpa juga.

And finally ayah returned to his Mighty Creator. We aparted again. For ever, yet till the time has come, insya'Allah we'll be reunite again🌹

0300 Prayer

This morning someone banging the door. I just woke up and check what is the time. It's freaking 3 in the morning.

I gulp some water and pray. I pray that Allah lend me happiness, some passion and no more depressing stuff.

And my morning alarm wake me up again. This time, it's 5.30. Off to shower and back to normal morning routine.

I try hard and my best to smile this morning as I'm out from my dorm.

Feel safe to sleep

If holding someone's hand tightly make you feel safe, for me it is enough with nice fragrance such as citrus, fruity, forest like smell make me feel safe.

When it comes to sleep, I need to tell my system that I'm safe enough to shut everything to fall asleep. Nice fragrance, silent and calm. If there is somebody I love around me, that is bonus point. Holding tightly while way to dreamland and waking up seeing that angelic face... That would be the greatest sleep session.

I love how nature produce great fragrance. I'd filled my bedroom with foresty fragrance so I'll feel calm all night long

;

It come today. This morning to be exact. I feel useless, trapped, I don't see any glow in my future vision. 

The thought knocks my head. It says, there is rooftop on my apartment. And I'm curious what is falling down and never breath again feels like.

It's not like I feel 'cukup amalan'already or I didn't think of my my and my family. It's really though, really hard to explain. I don't feel alive. I don't feel good to be alive just one more second anymore. I fell stuffed. 

And I know that no one will notice my absences. No one ever care about it. Alah... Aku sorang  je yang tak ada😌

If before tbis I'm really passionate for tomorrow, to achieve more, to making more people smile. But not any more

Tahun Depan Tahun Lompat Tau!

Hummm... Dah 4 tahun aku tunggu 29 February. And Alhamdulillah, insya'Allah kalau umur panjang, merasalah tahun depan 😂

So, kalau cakap pasal birthday... Apo layi? Hadiah ahhhh💁✨

Boleh je setakat wish and doa. Tapi tu lah. 

Aku sejenis appreciate benda yang aku boleh simpan and boleh ingat from whom.

Malas bebel, ni aku drop siap siap segala size yang macam diperlukan😜😜😜

Kasut, aku boleh je pakai anykind... Tapi kalau nak bagi boots drM pun boleh jugak😌

Ni kot lah nak bagi ring, nak terus masuk minang pun boleh... I do accept cincin gula gula diamond juga😌

Kalau gelang... Em.... Jangan gelang rubber band sudah lah😂 Ada yang aku buat ikat tempe kang

Oh, kalau baju... For now s and m manis lah... Tak tahu lah kalau tahun depan dah tukar size😂😂😂😂 semoga boleh sarung XS lah pulak🙃 #BilaNakKurusNi

Tak Jadi Kahwin Sebab No Wedding Dress?

Kalau aku ada rezeki untuk end my bujang life, I wish untuk buat majlis akad and majlis doa selamat only.

No need pasang khemah, no need persalinan 'raja sehari', no need a fancy hall, no need pelamin and so on...

For me, a plain white baju kurung modern, maybe a tiny bit of lace would be nice, no veil, no tiara. I want be very simple, after akad boleh bawa solat terus dengan selesa.

Hoping that my partner pun okay with it😂 Tak pasal pasal tak jadi kahwin sebab aku tak mau pakai wedding dress with veil... Ha mampuh aku😂😂😂

Biar belanja majlis kahwin sedikit, so that boleh top up on perbelajaan after that majlis😂 Rumah, furniture, utilities dan yang seangkatan dengannya.

Don't say bye

There are few daily phrases that I don't really like to use or to even hear and receive it.

Macam when someone says bye, I wish that bye was not the last bye.

And when one thanked me after I did the favor, I developed afraid feeling. I'm afraid that that person won't needed me nkr remember me anymore after that.

Even the first hi from new person. I'm afraid that I looks bad during the first impression. And they gonna judge me after that.

I wish that no one ever saying final bye towards me. I wish that no one disappear after thanked me. I wish no one ever judge at the first hi

Nak juga...

Dulu...... Time aku sekolah, aku selalu compare diri aku dengan akak and abang aku. Mak ayah aku tak compare, tapi aku sendiri yang compare. Aku compare siapa lagi pandai, siapa lagi banyak chances, siapa lagi rajin, oh tak dilupakam results pun aku compare kan.

Time aku ambil UPSR, abang aku ambil PMR, akak aku ambil SPM. So, both of them mak hantar tuition. Tapi aku mak tak hantar. Katanya,  tak perlu. Baru UPSR.....

Dan bila aku ambil PT3, aku still tak pergi tuition. Kelas tambahan pun tak ada. Apa yang diajar dekat sekolah, itu aku hadam. Yang lebih lebih aku study sendiri. Aku telaah sendiri.

Kadang tu aku jealous betul dengan classmates yang pergi tuition. They get more... Macam tu juga aku jealous dengan my other siblings.

Sometimes aku rasa, aku tak dapat apa yang akak and abang dapat, and tu lah..... Mesti aku rasa parents aku tak fair enough.

Tapi aku faham. Gaji ayah berapa lah sangat... But still...

Sampai la ni, I'm the only one yang dapat duduk jauh, stay asrama. Aku rasa this the way mak ayah nak prove they still love anak anak sama rata.

Ayah pinjam kamu, bukan miliki kamu

I've read somewhere, seorang ayah write about his journey having a daughter. It touched my heart...

The father tell from his daughter was born, it was different from his first born, which is his son. His daughter didn't feed as much as his son would.

Then when the daughter grow a little, she starts to demand girly stuf, doll, dress, having long hair and so on.

Come the moment his daughter having vagina issues. It starts to produce mucus, itching. So he had to get pantyliner for his daughter. The episode continue with she having her PMS... He then gotta get bunch of pads after that.

When his daughter started her PMS journey, he then begin to think that his daughter are growing way too fast. Later, she will bring a man and he'll let the man take over his job.

So, the father concluded that his daughter is just a pinjaman that he is never miliki. She is her husband's. As a father he just take care and treat her well to present to pemilik sebenarnya, jer husband.

Okay, serious talk memang touchy. So, selama ni struggle seorang ayah adalah struggle untuk menyempurnakan puterinya yang kemudian hari bakal menemui pemilik sebenarnya? 😖😭😭😭😭

Bad morning

Pagi tadi aku bangun bangun, tengok pintu dorm aku terkuak. Ada orang keluar tak tutup balik. Aku pun merungut "Ish...Tutuplah pintu balik..." sebab it was raining, sejuk weh

Lepas tu dapat pula nightmare about electric stuff... Aku kena renjatan and api was everywhere. Mungkin bayangan neraka... Tah lah.

Aku bangun balik, tengok jam, dah 6.40. Gosh, kelam kabut aku wehhhh nak mandi lagi, nak siap, nak solat lagi.

It was a bad morning.

Apa Punya Mimpilah?

Aku mimpi kemain mengarut lagi weh malam tadi!

Siap terbangun lepastu sambung balik mimpi yang sama!

Aku mimpi yang aku dah engaged dengan someone ni.. Tapi dia tak ada lah ready mana for marriage, but he proves to me that he is ready. Ha, kemain! Siap tunjuk kat aku, rumah kosong yang bapak dia bagi dia siap full furnished sendiri!

Lepas tuuuuu mak dia Chinese looks, she gave me hadiah baju banyak gila... And she said "I tak tahu lah apa nak bagi dekat Melayu!" 😂

Mengarut woi!

Ramadhan 1440H

Puasa tahun ni lain maciammm vibe dia. Aku happy kemain nak terawikh. Sekali dengar selawat nak start terawikh, ha kau..... Melimpah air mata. Air mata rindu pada bulan Ramadhan... Air mata gembira sebab Allah pilih aku untuk jumpa dengan bulan Ramadhan... Air mata takut kalau kalau nikmat manisnya puasa ditarik...

Sebelum solat isya', kami semua ada buat bacaan yaasin. Sebab one of ayah student kami baru meninggal dunia. Sesampai ayat 'Kunn fayakunn' diantara dua perkataan tu, aku berdoa "Ya Allah kurniakanlah aku nikmat puasa" A very quick doa, tapi Alhamdulillah Allah makbulkan...

Manisnya menjawab selawat sebelum terawikh. Manis lagi dapat berjemaah terawikh. Semoga Allah tak tarik perasaan ni. Moga panjanglah waktu Allah pinjamkan nikmat perasaan ni...

Hint lagi

Aku tahu tahun ni tak ada 29th February, tapi kalau nak juga bagi hadiah, aku terima je😌

Kalau bab hadiah ni aku prefer benda yang tak habis and useful.

Kalau sebelum ni aku dah sebut apa kebenda yang aku suka as hadiah, la ni aku nak specific kan sikit.

Entah kenapa aku back into collecting tudung. Hari tu aku terjumpa tudung satu ni, lawa, labuh, not too pricey.

Tudung apa? Go to Properhijab.com -> Search Yuna Lulu -> Choose black 😌😌😌

Heeeee

Berangan Kejap

Since aku kecil aku selalu berangan nak jadi designer. Kalau dulu aku pernah berangan jadi fashion designer, sekarang bila aku dah masuk bidang landscaping aku berangan jadi landscape designer pula.

Disebabkan lately ni aku dok busy dengan sketchup untuk design proposal fyp aku, aku pun take a break kejap kejap untuk berangan. Iyalah... Ini je masa yang aku ada untuk berangan. Esok lusa aku dah memang kena focus dekat fyp, assignments, class, yadayadayada yang lain..

So, aku pun beranganlah dekat sketchup tu kongkonon office aku nanti... Kira macam office goals gitchu lah!😂

Meh aku payung sikit berangan aku yang aku picturekan through sketchup. Memang tak seberapa, nama pun curi curi masa...

Aku tak perlu office yang gah kemain siap ada library, leather couch, kerusi octopus ogawa ke apa, enough ada meja desktop, desktop of course, lighting yang just nice, book shelf yang asal ada tempat aku letak files, sofa biasa just in case I need to crush in the office, POKOK WAJIB, and I'd like my office in a monochrome theme.

As I said, ni hanyalah dunia berangan aku. Aku tahu reality punya office lagu mana. Cubicle, partition, meja and kerusi je... Ya, tak salah berangan. Dreaming always be free, just to achieve it mahal sikit ah, effort, passion, duit pun kena ada...

And sebab aku just berangan tak ada ah aku nak render bagai nak rak. Tak ada dodge or burn or lens flare ke apa kejadah... Cukup ah tu, erangan je kot😂😂 

Final Teen Year

Yelah tu. Aku tengah bernafas sisa sisa tahun terakhir aku memegang perkataan 'teen' dalam umur aku. Weh! Aku dah 19 weh!😂

Tahun ni pun tahun terakhir aku untuk diploma. Next year inshaAllah aku pergi OJT, and insyaAllah convo...

Selama ni aku tadah tangan, doa kemain fancy. La ni aku tadah tangan minta biar mak aku dikurniakan umur yang panjang, diberikan kesihatan, diluaskan rezeki. Aku harap Allah pinjamkan mak aku lama lagi, sebab aku tak boleh bayangkan kalau mak dah tak ada. 

Tahun 2019 ni aku dapat jangkakan akan jadi tahun yang teramat busy, yelah student final year kaaaannn😐😐

Untuk final year project, aku diletakkan dalam group of three. Kami punya project wasn't what we choose to do. Projek projek kami semua ditetapkan by our lecturer, and kena buat secara grouping.

At first, aku memang tak sukalah. Sebab aku dah plan aku nak buat apa untuk fyp aku. And memang until sekarang aku tak berapa agree dengan keputusan lecturer aku. Sebab concept macam ni totally cut off and limit our creativity. Project dia bagi, design dia tetapkan, all we do is meralisasikan design dia.

Aku tahu niat dia nak tolong kami. Nak mudahkan kerja kami. Nak kami semua pass and convo. Tapi itu lah... 

InsyaAllah aku cuba sebaik mungkin untuk fyp, study and akan datang ojt.

Doakan aku💓