Don't, just don't

 Don't simply prank introvert. Just don't. You don't know what she'll feel. We as introvert didn't like such attention. We hate it.

We really hate it. Believe me, we might have just laugh it out, yet we might cry out loud inside and lose interest to socialize. 

Mainan Tidur

Hari Isnin hari tu masa noon nap, sempat pula termimpi. And it was a bad dream.

Aku mimpi abang aku balik rumah, tapi the way he park the car was so terribly crooked. Lepas tu he try to realign the car tapi he end up hit kereta lain and teruk juga accident tu. Turn out he was drunk/high at that time. Lalok teruk condition dia.

I hope it won't ever happen. I hope it was just a mainan tidur semata-mata. 

It's hurt

 I think the last time I cry more than three daya in row was when the computer shop guy reformat my laptop and my fyp designs gone.

But now here I am back to square one, I guess. Except it's not my design gone this time, it's even worse. Me myself losing part of my own self.

I love making people smile, laugh and be happy. But one suddenly ask me to stop laugh. Yeah... I'll stop laugh now..... 

Parasite

 It's always me who is wrong. It's always me to be nag to. It's always me where to yell at. It's always have been me.

It's because I'm not her. I'm not her 1st daughter. I'm not her 1st son. I'm a perfect person to not cherish on the earth. I'm a burden, I'm a problem that causing more problems, I'm a mistake that lead to more mistakes. Totally not a human being, i. I'm just a freaking parasite here.

Just throw your anger at my face. Yell out your bad mood at me. Pour all your negative dark stuff at me. Yes, I'm the right place to do so.

Exactly, I have no emotion. I'm just a parasite. 

Vanish

 Every time I'm having suicide thoughts, I always think how burdening I could be. Dah mati pun menyusahkan. Peoples need to clean up the mess, property values drop, people will talk behind my family... And many more.

I wish I can just vanish into thin air. Like *poof* I'm no longer exist. No memory, no trace, I'm just not exist anymore.

I really wish I could vanish real quick right now. Like on this second.

Grab My Brushes Again

 Its been awhile since I paint. I love to draw and paint, but most of the time I draw for assignment, for event, commissions and mostly not what I really want to draw.

What make me happy is draw and paint for fun, no instruction, no yes or no, no right or wrong. Othe lil thing make me happy is I can squeeze out my paint just like I have unlimited stock of paint. I love the texture or piling paint overlaying, the brush leaving strokes texture, it just feel so satisfied.

Here is some of my papers that get my first touch after so long not mixing paint on my palette.

08 November 2020

I'm not really happy with the colors that I'm using for this piece. But the texture is quite nice. For first piece, okay but still need MORE PRACTICE. Perhaps 40 hours a day?

09 November 2020

I like how its turn like china made of tea pot set. Loving the blue hues and tones. But the leaves looks like I'm stuck somewhere in confine space. Still need practice

 

Sarap Buat Si Anak, Si Anak yang Sarap

 During me working, I skipped breakfast. Sometimes I don't even know the word lunch. All in my dictionary is hunger and dinner at home.

Imagine, from 8 am to 9 pm with stomach only filled with water once in awhile. Why do I need to work with empty stomach? Because I spend all my money on transportation. Sometimes mak would give RM10 for grab fee two ways. 

Sounds like I'm a trash kind of daughter isn't it? Going work to earn but lose even more.

But when my sis went for work, my mom would buy breakfast for her as early as she can. She would pack some lunch for her too. 

How I wish badly that I'd never existed 

It comes Again

 This morning I had suicidal thought again. It's been awhile it haven't come, but this morning. I had tears running down my cheeks during my way to work in the train. Bad start for the day. 

And suddenly my boss revealed my mistakes in whatsapp group. I feel devastated. It is really a bad day for me.

I look outside the train. I see tall buildings and thinking how does it feel to jump of from the top? What if I don't die, just heavily injured and become a greater burden for my family? What if I  was punished to pay penalty because of trying to take my own life?

I wonder why would this all happened to me? Why my ayah left me like this? Why I must live this way? Why am I full with mistakes? Am I mistake by myself?

Can't I just disappear? Can't I end everything quickly? I'm really tired. 

Rindu Hendaknya

 it's been awhile aku tak melukis, tak mewarna.  Aku malas nak melabur beli stationaries, tapi tipulah aku kata aku tak rindu semua tu.  Sangatlah rindu nak melukis... 

Insya'Allah kalau ada rezeki aku melempiaskan rindu untuk melukis lagi,  aku akan mula melukis lagi

Hoping for not being a burden

All that we had here are mortal. He can take it any time when He wants to.

I might lost my sight, maybe I'll lost one or two or all of my limbs, I might can't talk anymore,  and I might can't hear anything. Or I might lost all of that at once. 

I'd never take them for granted. Let me go here and there while I can walk by myself with my legs and my sight. I'm afraid if one day I'll sit on the wheelchair, or I might need that yellow path to walk out, and I couldn't go here and there like now.

If one day I become disable, I'll try my best-est to not to bother anybody else. Me right now with all my limbs working well, with pair of ears perfectly working and eyes with sight is already a burden. Couldn't imagine what word can describe me without those...

Accepting The Real Me

So far, I've never met anyone that accepting the real me.

Here I'm talking bout me who is super clumsy, afraid of driving, loving plants, do crocheting, super forgetful, doesn't really like to eat, and lots more. 

Every morning I wake up, I try my best to be better me, to be better daughter to my mom, to be better sister to my siblings and be better friend to my friends. 

But day by day I found something went off. I lose my real self. I feell something wrong with how I live my days as me my own self.

Happiness level in my self keep draining... I feel tired. My friends keep push me to be someone who are not me.

I might forget who am I used to be. 

Pulling Inside

Last night was battlefield. Had migraine attack, couldn't sleep, late period may be the cause.

Forcing myself to sleep really hard, I end up fell asleep at 7ish a.m. It's really though...

Oh before bed I took paracetamol to ease the pain,  but guess what? Didn't work, the pill didn't reduce the pain even lil bit.

Grabbing and pulling my hair as I feel pulling sensation from the inside of my head. Painful, awful. 

Enjoy the lil things

With our current condition, we should just be super grateful and enjoy every single little thing around us. Keep growing the positive vibe, let it spread widely. Don't ever let even the shadow of negativity surround us.

We can go through this together. Stay strong people

Unbearable

The weather was magically perfect 

The sun rises just like yesterday 

Waking up, tying my hair, making my bed

Just like a very typical everyday

It might looks boring, cause you never see those little things 

Be happy, be joy, never ever take for granted

Sounds funny? Or coy? But that's what you needed

Don't hide your love

Don't avoid, it yours

Spell it, write it, read it, sing it,

Why don't you paint it?

Or draw on the sand of the beach

Soon the waves will keep it

My Dream Wedding

When it comes to wedding, I always dream getting married without any fancy or grand ceremony. Just simply do solemnization and register our marriage. That's it.

I'd not buy a princess gown just to be wear once, no tiara, no veil, no heels. A modest cloth should be enough for me.

I'm not the type of person that love to be surrounded by hundreds of guests and know what, I can count my close friends and relatives with my fingers. So, I'll just invite them to my house warming party after getting married I guess.

Rather than spend on wedding, I'd love to spend building my dream kitchen. Better invest on something long term right?

Good Night

Turn our conversation into a song

It so calm that I listen it all night long

Put it on looping, never stop playing

Even though I am already sleeping

Pulling my blanket, tuck in my feet
Oh! This is what we call a night

Breathy voice of yours sending me off

Off to The Dream Land that I dream of

Insomnia who? I'm having deep deep sleep

Feel like WOW! I don't want to be awake

How a simple "Good night" sounds so euphonious?

Maybe it just me? I'm not so sure.

The man with wings on his head once said;
"I'm a lover, not a fighter" while rowing a boat
I think now I'm in the same boat

Pulling my blanket, tuck in my feet
Oh! This is what we call a night
"Good night"

Eat it Raw

Aku ada sejenis habit ni tau. Sejak kecik sampai besau aku dok buat lagi. Aku suka makan carrot mentah. Bukan baby carrot, tapi carrot yang gedabak keras kayu tu tau! Sebab mak dok lah kata carrot bagus untuk mata, kalau tak makan carrot nanti kena pakai spectacles macam mak. Aku pun kokaklah carrot sekeras kerasnya sebab tak mau pakai spectacles punya pasal...

Aku makan raw, tapi yang dah masak lagi lah aku makan. Kalau boleh semua dish yang mak masak aku suruh campak carrot dalam tu. Tapi takde lah sampai rendang pun letak carrot. Agaklah....

Tapi hari tu time masak dekat rumah sewa, aku pun kokaklah setengah batang carrot. Setengah lagi aku potong nak buat lauk sayur. Tiba tiba one of housemate aku tegur. Dia kata nanti sakit perut kalau makan raw carrot. Aku terkejut. Mak start bagi aku kunyah raw carot since aku 4 tahun, tapi tak pernah pula muntah or diarrhea ke apa... I just laugh it out je lah. First time dengar... 

Everyday Sahur

I'm a clumsy girl. What happened if a clumsy girl trying to eat while she is have asleep?😂

Well, I drink water out of my favorite mug. But that mug is quite big. Whenever I drink, only my chin can be seen, the rest hidden by the mug itself. Guess what happened? I'll mandi with the water that escape from it and instead enter my mouth, they decide to wet my glasses and my whole face.

And, because I don't really like to chew my food... I'll make/cut them into little pieces. When it comes to eating bread with a mug of milo, I'll tear them little by little and drop it into the mug. It's looks like. I'm giving ikan keli makan at the tasik where the aunty usually jog but now cannot jog, virus woh🙃

I turn myself into my own comedy life weh. That's what happened bila budak clumsy yang mamai cuba bersahur. 

Just Don't, I Might Cry

Don't get mad at me over things I can't control. Don't raise your voice on me when asking me questions. Don't. Just don't, I might cry after you left. I might talk back, smile and act strong, but it just the mushy me bruised in tears as soon as your shadow disappeared.

Syawal Kali Ini

Termenung lama aku. Mak berharap sangat nak balik kampung. Katanya nak kumpul "kita kita". Aku geleng. Kalau iya pun MCO dah habis, I'll never gather tak kisah among family ke, kawan ke, strangers ke. Nope.

Aku memang tak fikir nak raya pun. Call me paranoid what so ever, me being me. No shake hand, hug, laga pipi. Laga siku boleh kot😂 If setiap tahun aku lah yang decide baju raya satu family warna apa, cat rumah warna apa, langsir warna apa semua tu, not this year. Ahlantak,  we'll celebrate raya without any gathering. Lemang dodol can wait, tak rela aku take risk gadai kesihatan nyawa demi raya...

I try my best buat mak happy. Tengoklah, maybe I'll try cari COD lemang ke apa... 

It's Not Monday

It's not even Monday yet, but I feel my day so damn blue.

As soon I woke up this morning, I feel confused, I'm about to cry without any reason, I feel helpless, fatigue maybe? It quite stressful for me to start my day.

I take a shower, hopeful can calm my emotion and be normal. Nah, the shower filled with my empty thoughts. I hate empty thought, it lead me to over thinking and might make me feel anxiety bout my life.

Out of shower, I dress myself, went to living hall and turn on the tv. I guess tv can make me forget this blue day. Nope, I watch for lil bit and went to my room. I start to cry, silently. I don't know why I'm crying. I cry and hoping it can reduce my stress. But I began grow more confused.

I hate this blue day. I hate it very much

Bantuan Tidur

Aku ni sejenis nak susah betul nak adapt tempat tidur. Bukan jenis boleh tidur merata, payah sikit lah. Tapi,kalau from rumah sewa ke rumah family, biasanya aku had no problem nak readjust semula. And selalunya senang and lena betul aku tidur bila dapat balik rumah family. Yelah, dekat rumah sewa tu, aku tidur alas toto je weh😂

Tapi this time aku balik tak ikut schedule. Sebab RMO. Yup, aku balik rumah. Tapi itu pun setelah hati berbolak balik, nak balik or not. Sebab better aku stay dekat Seremban, sebab time tu cases dekat Selangor kemain menyeramkan. But my mom tak bagi. Katanya bahaya duduk sendiri berminggu-minggu, dengan tak ada transportnya, susah nak beli barang dapur. So mak decide to jemput aku, sebab aku takut naik train. Time tu belum ada kematian sebab Covid-19, tapi the situation starting to worst. Sumpah aku takut. Ye, memang sihat time tu, but what if ada yang infected dalam train? and aku akan bawa the virus balik lah kan? Baik tak payah balik kalau gitu.

Ha dah, jauh dari topic dah ni. Disebabkan aku macam tak ikut schedule, jiwa aku tak tenteram kejap. Kau faham tak, bila kau dah sebati dengan jadual kehidupan and tiba tiba kena langgar jadual tu, gundah gelana wei. Tidur aku pun affected.

Disebabkan payoh naw nak lelap even dah mengantuk tahap menguap keluar air mata deras kemain. Aku pun confused, tu air mata sebab menguap or sebab aku frustrated tak boleh tidur.

Aku terpaksa play something to assist me to fall a sleep. Like always, aku play playlist lullabies aku. It works, but only for few nights. Lepas tu tak jalan dah. Otak aku immune dah kot, entahlah. Aku pun carilah new stuff to replace my current playlist. And wallllah! I fall a sleep dengan jayanya. TAPI it only works for freaking two days only.

Stressed aku. Pukul 2 3 pagi mata tak mau lelap. Aku marathon Kdrama sampai aku tertidur sendiri. Esok subuhnya mak aku kejut "Adik, awak tak shutdown laptop ke?" ha kau.

The next night, aku belum cari bahan baru. Aku terlupa weh. *LOL* Malam tu aku berjaya tidur sendiri weeeehhhhhh🎉😎✨ Bangga kejap. But how? Hehehehheeee...... I talk to myself. Aku tanya diri sendiri tons of question about myself. Sebab aku pun takde lah kenal mana dengan my current self. So, aku tanya soalan macam "Current favorite color, favorite music, what kind of instrument I like, Hobby, Favorite food, can I cook it?, hafazan that I still hafal, etc" and aku tertidur sendiri.....

Malam gilang gemilang tu adalah semalam. Yup, semalam. And now is 1 almost 2 am. I had some stuff in my mind to assist me to fall a sleep malam ni. Maybe I'm gonna back to nature sounds macam camp fire, forest, beach, white noise... Dulu pernah juga, tapi itulah. Seminggu dua je, lepas tu mana mau dah

Semoga sebelum 3 aku dapat tidur lah🥱😌

Afraid

Aku biasanya takkan jadi myself sekarang ni. Sebab aku takut dengan the amount of hatred yang I'll receive kalau aku jadi sendiri. Sedih, tapi banyaknya takutlah. Aku takut orang benci aku. 

Cap Ayah dan Anak

Recently ni anak boss aku demam, so dia bawalah anaknya ke office.

Yang aku pula, dok perhatikan ayah dan anak ni... Lama aku perhati.... Aku jealous. Ye aku jealous dengan anak boss. Aku rindu ayah aku.

Ayah dulu asal lalu dekat dengan aku, ayah mesti stop and cium pipi or dahi aku. Dah besar sikit, aku tak bagi ayah kiss. Aku lap tempat ayah kiss.

Bila ayah dah pergi. Aku rindu ciuman dengan misai ayah kena dekat dahi aku. Aku rindu ayah... 

Bila aku tengok boss dengan anak dia, sumpah aku teringat ayah.

For ayah ayah diluar sana, kalau anak suruh stop kiss dahi or pipi dia, don't stop. Teruskan je. Biar dia feel secured with your fatherly love. 

Tumpang bahu

One of azam 2020 aku baru failed. Anxiety attack came back. Penat fight. Sumpah penat.

Aku pun try luahkan ekat one of my housemate. Aku cakap yang aku ada suicidal thoughts. And know what she replied? "Kau ni orang (read as *agama*) apa ha?"

Allahu. It breaks me more. It makes me feel worst. Doesn't reliving at all. Rasa macam betul betul betu betup punya tak tahan nak hidup dah.

It is not I don't have faith towards Allah. Wallahi, I couldn't explain how it feels, but I'm still His servant.

I did call befrienders, but the communication doesn't goes well. He couldn't understand what I'm trying to say, I don't know how to explain what is happening, end up I ended the call.

I know there are lots more human facing bad things in life worst than what I'm facing right now. But by asking what my religion doesn't help anything.

Nervous weh

So, next morning kami berlima akan start masuk office and officially start our job training for six months.

Aku punya nervous, bangun pagi tadi (5 Jan), tengok tarikh dekat phone, terus stressed out. Fikir nervous, first impression walaupun pernah jumpa boss time fyp presentation dulu... Aku fikir baju apa nak pakai, kerja macam mana nanti, Elaun cukup ke nak sara diri enam bulan ni, sempat jenguk mak ke tak....

Aku ada lah put some expectations durin ojt session ni. Aku harap seniors tak lokek ilmu, tak judge skill aku, and tak pilih bulu. I'll try my best learn new stuff, absorb as many knowledge as I can and improve my skill dalam enam bulan ni.

Aku takut weh... Macam mana kalau seniors tak suka aku sebab aku kasar? Sebab aku tak reti berborak? Macan mana kalau tak sempat balik jenguk mak? Macam mana kalau elaun tak cukup nak buat belanja barang dapur? Takutnyaaaaa😭