I'm guessing I'm at the peak of having unstable mental. I started bang my head to the wall, hit my head hard, pulling my hair, crying my lungs out in the shower.
I'm thinking of seeking help, but it's hard. It is really hard. I had to think bout transport, fee, time and am I brave enough? And is it worth it? What if I'm fine, it just me overreacting...
I hate to face that even my family didn't appreciate my existence. They hates seeing me around. I need to be gone so that they'll be happier.
I noticed something unusual. Might be symptoms to something or just me over reacting to it. I noticed that my nails growing so slow!
I always cut my nails normally once a week just like others do. But this time it has been almost 2 weeks and they are still short.
Did they didn't receive enough blood or what? Lil things like this can make my anxiety goes 📈📈📈📈📈
Had a small quarrel with my mum few days ago. Felt so offended as I'm having a rollercoaster of emotion atm. Lil that she know, I'm struggling with losing appetite days by days since I'm so concern bout my menstrual cycle after the vaccinations. Menstrual isn't a joke for me, cause I always have a really bad period-pain like can't even stand straight and had to lie down like a cooked prawn. I know it is not normal, but having a late period more than 5 days can make it my anxiety worst.
So, long short story I'm having a tough day with menstrual stuff and appetite. All of sudden my mum ask me to stop eat and left some for my siblings to eat the food. FYI the food is cold and hard already. It's mean it's been on the table for quite time and no one ever touch it. I'm stuffing my mouth because I woke up and feel so dizzy probably didn't eat much from past few days. I eat not because I want to, I don't even feel hungry or even having appetite to eat. I eat because I know I need, not because I really want to.
Most of the time she will guilt tripping us "No one eat my cooks.", "No one eat, let me eat by myself!". So I thought by eat the food will make her feel ease at the mean time, but I'm 200% wrong!
I was so offended. It might seems like I always share and tell her everything. But believe me, I only tell her positive, happy, shareable stuff. All my pains, my anxiety, my struggles, I kept by myself. I don't be burden, keep her worry bout her useless daughter. She had lots of thought to be thought of. I don't intend to be on the list. But yah.... Looks like we don't even know each other really well even living under same roof.
I don't know till when God let me be here and how long He lend my mum to us. I don't wanna have complicated relationship with her, but I lost myself. I can't even speak to her. It's really hurts. So much.
