Bila dia tahu

Back then after PT3, I applied for Kolej vokasional for diploma in landscape architecture. But I did it quietly and didn't even discuss with any of my family members nor friends.

On one fine evening, my ayah approach me. He asked "Adik... Adik a.. A... Ada apply masuk kolej ye?"

15 years old me surprised. I simply say yes. That's it.

I didn't even care how there were pool of tears that ayah hold by asking me that question. He smile, but holding tears. Again, 15 years old me didn't bothered with it.

But now I'm in my final year, I clearly remember how he stuttered asking for the answer from me. He knows that the school I applied isn't that near, 1 and half hour by drive the fastest from home.

I bet dia tahu yang anak dia will be aparted from him. Again. Yes. We actually had aparted about 2 years plus because of family matters.

It was really hard for all of us for that 2 years plus. We only get to meet like once every month for few minutes. He get to hug and give chocolates to calm his kids.

I never imagine to be apart from him since that. But Rembau isn't that far... Dua minggu sekali dapat jumpa juga.

And finally ayah returned to his Mighty Creator. We aparted again. For ever, yet till the time has come, insya'Allah we'll be reunite again🌹

0300 Prayer

This morning someone banging the door. I just woke up and check what is the time. It's freaking 3 in the morning.

I gulp some water and pray. I pray that Allah lend me happiness, some passion and no more depressing stuff.

And my morning alarm wake me up again. This time, it's 5.30. Off to shower and back to normal morning routine.

I try hard and my best to smile this morning as I'm out from my dorm.

Feel safe to sleep

If holding someone's hand tightly make you feel safe, for me it is enough with nice fragrance such as citrus, fruity, forest like smell make me feel safe.

When it comes to sleep, I need to tell my system that I'm safe enough to shut everything to fall asleep. Nice fragrance, silent and calm. If there is somebody I love around me, that is bonus point. Holding tightly while way to dreamland and waking up seeing that angelic face... That would be the greatest sleep session.

I love how nature produce great fragrance. I'd filled my bedroom with foresty fragrance so I'll feel calm all night long

;

It come today. This morning to be exact. I feel useless, trapped, I don't see any glow in my future vision. 

The thought knocks my head. It says, there is rooftop on my apartment. And I'm curious what is falling down and never breath again feels like.

It's not like I feel 'cukup amalan'already or I didn't think of my my and my family. It's really though, really hard to explain. I don't feel alive. I don't feel good to be alive just one more second anymore. I fell stuffed. 

And I know that no one will notice my absences. No one ever care about it. Alah... Aku sorang  je yang tak ada😌

If before tbis I'm really passionate for tomorrow, to achieve more, to making more people smile. But not any more