What Is Wrong With Me?

Hi gang. Assalamualaikum.

Today is the 2nd week of me having insomnia and over sleep. My bed time become chaotic when its already 5.30 am and I'm still wide open. I'm not really sure why I'm having this. But it kind of a panic reaction when the school holiday reaching the end. Think so lah... Not really sure about that.

Actually having this 'panic' stuff till can't even go to sleep on time are not new symptom to me. I've been with it every time I come back home once in two weeks. Every time my brain realized that I need get to the hostel, it will mess up my sleep,  my stress and make me slightly depressed with it.

Other than that, few weeks after my dad passed away. I'm having problem with day and date. Every time before sleep, I'll remind myself what day is today and what day is tomorrow. For example, today is 28th of December 2017 Thursday. And tomorrow will be 29th of December 2017 Friday. But when I woke up, my mind automatically thought that it already Saturday morning of 30th December 2017. Basically my brain will skip a day and it does messed up my life. When I've movie date or some event, I literally thought its today but its actually on tomorrow. Absolutely no idea what kind of syndrome I'm having.

Having sleep and memory problems little bit bother me. So far no terrible panic attack yet. But acute panic attack does occurred. Which made me throw my self lay on my stomach and become paralyzed for few minutes. At that time my body covered with cold sweat and trembling but I try calm my self. One thing on my mind, Allah. I keep istighfar in my mind. When I feel I can move my fingers, my arms and my whole body, I get couple gulps of water.

What is wrong with me? Is it really a syndrome? Or it just my brain need some attention? Or it just me lack of attention? *LOL* But, Alhamdulillah. I'm still breathing and yet healthy enough.

By the way, did you guys read the title like Moana song? "What is wrong with me? See the light na na na na na it's call meeee..." I'm sorry, my memory aren't good enough to remember that song.. But I bet you guys know it right?

Cuti Woi 2

Ehehe... Assalamualaikum, canner cuti? Ada baik tada baik? 😅😂😂

For bebudak sekolah, just tinggal seminggu lebih je lagi before back to school. Tak lupa kepada bukan bebudak sekolah, salah satu kategori itu is penuntut-penuntut kolej vokasional 😂😂🙈🙈🙈 For those pelajar KV tahun 3&4, jangan lupa untuk kembali melaporkan diri ke kolej anda😂😂😂😂

Ha.... Dah puas berjalan dekat KL, aku buat apa lagi time cuti? Konon menikmati cuti sangat katekaaaauu! Lol! Life aku simple, so what I do selain keluar merayap di kota raya is layan iflix. Best wehhhhhh!! Semua movie leleh, action, klakor semua ade! Lagi lagi cerita anime. Tak banyak tapi boleh tahan memuaskan lah lists dia. Boleh ah kalau nak layan attack on titan full marathon sendiri. Tapi jangan tinggal solat eh! Kau tak takut tuhan ke?😂 Movie boleh layan, tuhan jangan lupa weh.

Selain movie, aku pun qada' KDrama yang aku miss masa dekat asrama😅 Korang pun should do the same actually. Lagi lagi if korang jenis macam aku yang tak berapa layan drama on laptop lepastu tengok ramai-ramai. Nak nak dapat member yang dah tengok episode tu then bagi spoiler. Gosh, annoying kot.  I prefer watch it alone or maybe 2-3 orang je. Lebih, wa chaw duloo.. See? My life is so simple😏

Few movies and drama aku watch also rewatch is Twilight all the series, The strong woman Do Bong Soon, Roof Top Prince, The last song, Attack on Titan, The Weightlifting Fairy, master chef junior Aus., banyak lagi ah..

For newbies, korang akan dapat 1 month duration untuk watch all the videos uninterrupted. Korang pun boleh download untuk offline tau! Macam YouTube jugak. So, do install iflix now and watch all your missed KDrama episodes there😉👍

Haaa... Adventure time pun hadooo!

My Taste

Ehem! Assalamualaikum. hehehe... Mood menggatal nak sembang pasal lelaki dah mai dekat iolls lah!

Well, recently I feel agak tua dan terfikir about lepas grad first diploma nak pergi mana? Nak kerja apa? Lepas practical nak kerja bidang apa? Nak sambung degree or nak ambil diploma lain? ke....... nak kahwin terus? 

Gatal sat na....

Lol! Jauh na fikir jemah oiiiii!! Ada ke laki nak nikah dengan aku? Heh! Beras pun mak belikan, berangan nak menikah!

Well, jangan kecam begitu... Ini adalah bebelan mengarut about my angan-angan yang mengarut.

Okay, bila aku dok usha punya usha explore dekat instagram, aku berkenan sangat dengan mamat latin. Dorang tak la handsome mana, tak lah cute mana. Tapi dorang ada charms wooooo. 

Ada apa? ADA CHARMS woooo!

I just love their facial hair actually. Kening, beard and including rambut. They are good in styling it and looks hot on them. Literally suka gila kening lebat, ada beard yang fade fade gitu, and effortless looks hair.Aku jenis tak berapa minat hat mata biru. Sebab somehow aku rasa mata biru ni kind of sharp and menakutkan. Tapi  most of the time lawo ja mata biru, just aku je tak berapa minat.

One more thing, aku perasan gak orang belah belah Spain, Italy sana tu sweet bila dah kahwin. Tak tau la tu depan camera je ke or memang culture dorang. Yang aku pernah tengok reality show dorang ah, ada husband tu siap buat laundry and basuh pinggan. Alasan mamat tu bagi, tu memang cara dorang after married. Tak tau tu propa je ke or reality. But I'd like if dapat husband yang sanggup tolong buat kerja rumah. Even tolong curahkan softener baju bila mesin basuh tengah rinse mood.

Sebab aku ada tulis cerita wattpad pasal italian love story, aku pun buat research tak bertauliah about italian men. And guess what? Aku found Mariano Di Vaio. Heeee

Well, he is married and ada anak. As korang nampak, dia ni tak la handsome mana. Tapi sebab kening elok terbentuk, those clean looking beard, and that quiff hairstyle nampakkan charm dia. Add-on lak senyum manis tahap potong kaki. Woiii! Melting jemah ha!

Lepas tu, aku suka accent dorang. Macam Marc Marquez. Suka dengar dorang punya loghat. Bahasa dorang pun boleh lah senang nak belajar. Em, yang aku nampak la, mexican dengan spanish dengan italian banyak words or phrase yang lebih kurang sama. So, senang actually nak pickup those three languages. Aku pernah belajar Spanish guna app burung hijau. Senang nak ingat, interactive and fun. (App Duo Lingo) Aku pun pernah belajar France guna app tu. France ni ada lah sikit-sikit words arabic yang aku belajar time sekolah dulu... Tapi Spanish lagi senang kot...

Alright, cukup berangan. Sat lagi kang tumbuh pula jerawat kat dagu kang *Syirikkkk*

Rindu

Hey, Assalamualaikum gang...

It has been 293 days my beloved ayah kembali kepada si Pencipta. *very deep sigh* 

What do I feel? How do I feel? How I'm doing?

Very well, Alhamdulillah. Tipulah kalau kata langsung tak nangis dah, but not as bad as dulu lah. I'm trying to get into my self back. Every time teringat ayah, I try my best to recall our sweet, happy moments together. And yeah, that help me ukir senyuman kembali.

I miss him. Rindu, memang rindu gila gila gila. Tapi kena redha dengan ketentuan Allah kan... *cliche gileee* 

What do I most rindu about my ayah?

I miss his beard. Aku paling tak suka bila dia have a clean licin habis shave. Sebab ayah aku ni suka cium aku. Yang adik-beradik lain  aku tak tau lah, tapi mungkin sebab aku paling kecik, sooo....

Okay, bila dia kiss dahi ke, pipi ke, memang terasa kasar janggut dia. I miss that. 

Kepada future husband I, silalah bela beard sikit. Kasi tajam-tajam sikit ye

Lepas tu, aku rindu gila nak ikut dia memancing udang. Pancing ikan aku tak berapa minat sebab lambat sangat! Kalau udang, copek yo... Tak kesah lah dekat lombong ke, sungai ke, kalau kolam lagi BEST! Sebab nanti mesti ada food cart datang jual jajan. LOL! Port kitorang dekat area Hulu Langat ah. Tapi tak tau wujud lagi ke tak kolam udang situ.

Ha! Lagi satu aku rindu pasal ayah aku. Ayah aku selalu sangat beli durian. Sampai tahap peti sejuk tu tak lekang bau durian weh... Gentle, kalau kau taruk kek red velvet secret recipe dalam tu, confirm rasa durian! Now bila ayah tak ada, aku pun kempunan macam mengandung 9 bulan nak makan durian. Dekat setahun dah tak merasa durian ha... I miss his figure bawak plastic koyak-koyak sebab duri durian. Lepas tu dia akan bentang surat khabar, lepas tu ajak makan berjemaah depan tv sambil tengok WWE! Weh, rindu weh...

Dah la. Sebak lak ha. Kang menangis sorang-sorang lak aku. Well, doakan Wan Zulkifli bin Wan Ismail dijauhkan daripada azab kubur, dan dipermudahkan menjawab soalan malaikat munkar dan nakir. 

Cuti Woi

Assalamualaikum guuuuyyyyssss!! Finally Jemah dah coti-coti Malaysia katekauuu! Aimaklom, coti serentak ikut dak2 sekolah...

Bila dah cuti, aku ni bukan reti nak duduk diam. Mesti berjalan punya weehhh! Lagi2 LRT dekat sekali dihati kamiiii! Eh! Dekat dengan rumah sebenarnya....

Well, den poei mano yo? Well, buat masa ni KL je makcik mampu jalan... KL mano? KL of course kena jejak #ExpoNegaraku2017🇲🇾 dulu! Dah lepas 5 khubah tu baru boleh jejak tempat lain. 

Dekat expo tu ada kejadian weh. Aku punya harok berjimba kesana kemari cari makanan lepas dah makan. Sebab kami jenis nak 'merasa' sampai kenyang uoolllss! Sedang kami berhuhahuha, tiba-tiba ada unnie sorang ni taril lengan aku. Dia kata "Pelis helwp me. Ayam... Berry sick! Werrree khospitel? Aiwanna go to deee khospitel berry past!" (Please help me. I'm..... Very sick! Where's hospital? I wanna go to the hospital very fast!) At first aku tak paham, aku pandang memember aku yang lain. Dorang lagi blur weh! Aku pun puas mencerna butir patah apa dia cakap then translate kat memember aku.

Dipendekkan cerita, memember aku pun tolong call the medic crew that memang on standby mode. Dah panggil depa bawa unnie tu dengan ommunie dia naik ambulance. Aku rasa dia tak tahan panas kot... Sebab dia ada mention "ayam feel so dijji"😂😂😂 kome paham ke idok? (I'm feel so dizzy) aku tau yang english depa berhabuk, tapi okay la tu... Paham lah jugak katekauu! 

Lepas tu aku pun melencong untuk melancong sekitar historical places in KL. banyak, tapi banyak aku pun tak tahu tempat tu😅😅

Lepas tu I take some of my cuti time untuk disumbang menjadi my leisure time. Aku pergi tengok movie Coco dekat KLCC dengan member sekolah rendah dulu. Lepas rindu ah kiranya.... Habis je movie, we decide lepak dulu ah. Ha kau, tiba-tiba lagiii.... Tiba-tiba ada dua orang mamat nihongo mai. Depa amat bersopan santun kaaaauuu! Nak tanya minta izin banyak kali! 

At first I thought that they want to ask about direction to somewhere. But not! They asking us about Malaysian woi! Dorang tanya "why Malaysian are so friendly towards foreigners and tourists?" Aku pun dengan confident jawab soalan depa dengan positifnya! Banyak juga dorang tanya. Maybe ada assignment kot. 

But those two Japanese men, we're apologize if our answers didn't help you guys knowing more about Malaysian cultures. 

For tourists that want to know more about malaysian culture, you should go to any of our heritage city. Such as Malacca and penang. Maybe sabah and sarawak too. KL is more about our modern life surrounded by tall buildings and flyovers everywhere.

Aku time cuti ni banyak jadi duta Malaysia tak berbayar katekauuu! Tapi tak pa, memang kita as rakyat Malaysia memang kena bawa nama negara even nak pergi lepak dekat KLCC je pun. Adab, sopan santun kena jaga. Sebab tourists and foreigners ada je dok perati perangai budaya kita. Why not we show them our budaya sopan santun? Senyum bila depa pandang. But don't bagi creepy smila eh! Help them when they needed. Kalau tak dapat tolong minta maaf. 

Okay lah, jemah nak sambung menikmati cuti ni ha. Selamat bercoti buat yang cotiii! Sapa kerja, selamat bekerja! 🤗🤗🤗

Lagi kasar daripada garam kasar

Hai korang! Well, I'm here again. Nak bebel something nih.

As korang tahu, aku dah tukar status jadi anak yatim as my ayah passed away bulan 3 dulu. Things changed. Aku, kawan-kawan aku, surrounding, semua ah senang cerita.

Bila aku ada title anak yatim, kawan-kawan aku blames my mistakes sebab status tersebut. Nak contoh tak? Well, this agak kasar, bahkan lagi kasar daripada garam kasar yang kau tenyeh dekat ikan bagi hilang bau hanyir ikan tu. 

Here we go, dia orang pernah kata; "Dah tak ada bapak, buatlah cara tak ada bapak."  Lagi? Boleh.... Dia orang pun ada juga kata; "Patulah dia macam tu.... Diakan tak ada bapak!" 

Well, teruk sangat ke aku tak ada ayah? Kalau ayah aku ada, confirm ke aku tak teruk macam tu? Kenapa kena libatkan ayah aku dalam kesalahan aku?

Bukan senang bergelar anak yatim weh. Surrounding bukan kena adapt dengan kita orang, tapi kita orang kena adapt dengan surrounding. Memang tak selesa. Tapi ye lah... Kita semuakan manusia, bukan malaikat. Iyer dokkk?

Al-Fatihah to my late ayah, Wan Zulkifli bin Wan Ismail

My little Wishes

Alhamdulillah, I'm realized that I'll turn 18 next year. I guess that is few steps exiting the teenage world. Watching the skies always changing, I know that I never change. Know what, I read my childhood diary that I've been writing since I was 10 or 11 years old. And yes, the old me just the same me now. 

Me never change, so do my wishes. There's few wishes that I've been wishing since I was little. I randomly pick 10 of them. And here there are:

1. I wish I could make my family proud of me every single second.

2. I wish that my father will always be there as my shield

3. I really wish that I can be with the one who loves me, in paradise

4. I wish I could stop badmouthing about anybody 

5. I wish I'm not sinned

6. I wish I has peers that love me.

7. I wish the world is peace

8. I wish the whole universe is happy.

9. I wish there's no misunderstanding ever happen 

10. I wish I'm not here.

All these 10 little wishes of mine are the same wishes that 11 years old me and present me wishing for. I thought that I'm different when I'm little, but nah... I admire how the skies change it's look so many times a day. And I also admire how I didn't change too😂😂 I don't remember 11 years old me ever wished for those things. Luckily I wrote some weird diary with shaking boat of grammar. Don't even mention about the handwriting 😂😂😂😂

Sahabat dan Kawan

Assalamualaikum, hi korang!~ 

Terasa nak pok pek panjang jap ah😂😂 Mula eh?

Macam aku pernah tulis sebelum ni, aku ni simple je orangnya. Prinsip dalam hidup aku pun simple. Aku bukannya jenis yang suka bersosial tahap Mark Zuberg buat Facebook untuk berkawan. Aku jenis kawan semua orang. And aku punya definition untuk kawan pula is orang yang kita boleh sembang pumpang sampai itu pokok kasi goyang lah😂😂😂 hahaha, yelah.. Orang yang boleh borak lama ah, macam tu ah... Kira sesiapa je lah boleh digelar kawan bagi aku..

TAPI! Bukan sahabat dunia akhirat. Seumur hidup aku, aku pernah jumpa seorang je yang aku boleh panggil sahabat dunia akhirat. Which is my lovely darling makcik paling shomelll, Siti! 

Haaaa, shomelll kan???

Well, definition untuk sahabat dunia akhirat bagi aku apa lak? Bagi aku, dia tak perlu tanya apa masalah aku. Sebab aku bukan jenis share masalah, mentioned before yang aku jenis suka pendam enn.. Siti ni macam tu lah, dia tak tanya apa masalah tapi dia soothe aku. Dia ajak aku hirup fresh air, ajak pergi window shopping ke, pergi keluar dari tempat yang aku terperuk lah.

Lagi satu, sahabat dunia akhirat bagi aku ialah orang yang tak whining buruk aku dekat orang lain. Contoh macam aku ni jenis cakap kasar, dia tak akan pergi kat orang sana cerita yang aku ni dah lah tak lawa, cakap lak kasar nak mati. Ha.... Siti akan cakap yang even aku cakap kasar, dia tahu aku ni jenis macam mana. I won't cursing except the word 'sengal' , 'bengong' dan yang perkataan tak berapa carut ah.. She knows me well☺️☺️☺️

Aku mengaku yang aku jenis cakap kasar, cakap lepas. Tapi semua tu takkan saja2 weh. Mesti ada sebab kenapa aku cakap kasar dengan someone. Selagi boleh slow talk, aku slow and steady. Tapi kalau dah campak mentos dalam coke, memang berbuih cito ehh.. Kalau aku minta tolong, jawab boleh atau tak. Bukan api-apikan permintaan aku. Macam, aku minta tolong perlahanlan suara, jawab boleh ke tak or at least tak nak pun, tell me why. Bukannya lagi menjerit-jerit. Kawan, biasanya macam tu lah.. Sebab anybody can be friends kan?

Disebabkan aku pindah, jarang gila jumpa siti.....😞😞😞😞😞

Bila aku cuti baru aku hang dengan dia. Rindu weh. Rindu Siti ... I wish she is here with me....

29th Sea Games Kuala Lumpur 2017

Assalamualaikum, how you've been? Hope all goin' fine!

Okay, before this I've wrote that from the ages I've been to Bukit Jalil for my mornings jog. All of that are before the Sea Games construction in Bukit Jalil started. I remember that 1 evening I decided to jog there and its closed for the construction work. Very frustrated back then.

But when the Sea Games started, I go there again for cheering our athletes not for jogging lah.. Ramai kot...😂😂😂 

Honestly, I've never ever had sing our national anthem with a very proud feeling or sing it out aloud dengan ikhlasnya. But when our national anthem played in the stadium, automatically I sing our national anthem very loudly out of my chest with the full proud feeling bursting non-stop. Very proud of our athletes. Even we get the bronze, I cheer them with my whole body terloncat-loncat with the jalur gemilang while shouting "Malaysia" very loudly and proudly. 

On the final day for athletic, our two men for high jump didn't do well on the evening. But they managed to get the gold. Good job, good try from them. I saw that before every single jump they do they need some cheer. When I see that they ask we to cheer for them, I stand up clapping very loud till my palm pedih gila😅😅😅 But I think it worth it because our athletes know that Malaysian always with them and cheer for them.

One thing that cath my eyes is our Rayzam. The man that turn botak as soon as he get 1st place. He pays his nazar with botakkan rambut dia. Know what his hair was fabulous gila! Serious lawaaa!! When he come out, I notice his hair was reaaaallllly different from others. It waves smoothly and it not too shine nor too dull, it just too right on point! When he runs for testing I guess, he shout shortly. And I shout back to reply his shout lepas tu I cover my face with bendera sebab the whole row pandang aku. 😅 😅 well, I try to bagi semangat je... But when he shouts, his face gila nervous weh! Aku siap jerit "baca doa! Selawat banyak2! Jangan nervous!"😂😂😂 Alhamdulillah, our first gold on that day in athletics achieved by him.

Yang paling best time dalam stadium tu is WAVEEEEEE! During wait for the ceremony start, we fams macam bosan, cause they take to much time. So we together rise gituwww, buat wave! The whole stadium join it even ada part of the stadium sikit orang, but they also masuk weh! We did 3 round I think. That part was LIT!🔥🔥🔥

Malangnya, I get to join event in Bukit Jalil only. Because othe venue are just somewhere I didn't know🙈 nama je duduk KL! Maybe tahu tapi quite far to travell with LRT. Pergi Bukit Jalil ni pun balik malam. It quite dangerous, plus aku pun seram balik sorang2😂 even dah biasa or what, that feeling never fade out! My mak also pesan to baca ayat kursi semua tu so that I feel easy little bit maybe...

Lasty, congrate to all athletes, and to all who participated in 29th Sea Games 2017. Taniah Malaysia dan Taniah Malaysian! Thank you for all hard work, surely proud of it as a Malaysian 😌❤️🇲🇾

I Took a Nap

Guys, now it almost freaking 3 a.m. and I'm still fresh like after a cold ice bath! Duh!

Just because I'm now tanned about 3 tone darker just because I did working on site for 2 weeks in a row. I'm struggling to get my not so fair skin tone back by applying neutral mask stuff. I just made a turmeric  mask mixed with various other stuff that I had in my kitchen and I know it good for skin whitening and repairing. I budget that the mask will dry off by 30-40 minutes, but it is not. Then I expecting the mask will dry in maybe another 30 minutes, which mean total 1 hours. Guess what, it is not fully dry even after the freaking one hour! 

And, that how I decide to take a short nap while waiting the mask to dry off. I started apply the mask around 9 p.m. And I wake up from my nap, it was about 10 to 11 p.m. The mask dried and started falling apart, I quickly go to bathroom and wipe it off. Splash my face with cold tap water. And..... I AM FRESH LIKE I SLEPT LIKE A BABY!

My mom just asked me why I didn't sleep yet.

Confession

 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum. As an intro, I'd to say if you are reading this and you know who I am in the real world, I wish that it just you who is reading this. No one else. And if we're totally strangers, you will know what people around me don't know.

11th March 2017, Saturday. The day that I hate to remember, to talk or write about. But till when? So, here I'm writing here bout it. 

My ayah, Wan Zulkifli passed away on that night.

At the evening was cool, with his hot nescafe tea. Enjoy his leisure front our house. Had a small chat with the neighbor. He maybe had a quick nap too. Then he take his dinner. My mak cook her awesome sambal tumis for dinner. Then he took another nap I guess.

While I'm enjoying dramas on my iPad, he wake up and charge his phone in the kitchen. Then he seat on couch and get up to the kitchen check on his incoming whatsapp. He did that twice or thrice. I just let him be. He look quite busy with his phone.

Suddenly, he stop. He sat on the same couch as before and started whining "Aduh". He push hard on his belly area. And that is how my only one super hero became ill. 

Early in the morning, doctor diagnosed he had a gastric problem. So, we thought he might be fainted. 

Like... No one ever died because of gastronomic thingy, unless it is ulcer or cancer or something worst than that.

After the ambulance came and after we done all the CPR and those emergency stuff, they informed us that my super hero is flew away, somewhere far away.

Start from that second, I realized. I had no man to protect me like ayah always do. I had no man to cheer me up. I had no man that can fetch me from my hostel. I had no super hero around me anymore. 

and I realized, I have to be my own super hero, since I have continue my life, my study, my dreams. Sure won't give up on those things.

and guess what, I realized another thing. A thing that bring me back to square one.

If only I success with my life, my study, my dreams that I've never give up, who will cheer me for that? Who will proud of? Who will congrats me?

Then my mak's face come, my siblings face come.

Sure, I still have them. But, the person only ever say he proud of me is him. It's my ayah, my only one super hero. He always did it for me. Even for those little things. Like when I finished my food, like when I can draw and colours, like when I can count more than ten, like when I finished my pre-school, like when I go up to the stage for receiving an award for my pointers. 

Only he make appearance for become my loyal cheerleader.

Like I said, I feel no one can ever protect me. I feel anyone can harm me freely. I feel like a hot air balloon with patches of holes. When the wind and storm come,  I feel like no one can save me, except my self. I feel like fighting alone without any backups.

I do have brothers. But they don't even mind about me. I don't even close with them. All I want is my ayah. I want him to protect me. To be on my side when someone pick on me.

This maybe what people might said "lack of  love" I don't mind that. Because I think it is true. I lost my dad, it mean I lost his love too. 

And some other people would said "Go find a mate" No. Mate are not the answer. It will burden me, it sure will burden him. I'll keep this special place in my heart just for who deserve it. He will be the only guy in my heart one after my father (*Of course after Prophet Muhammad S.A.W too) And now are not the correct time having him in my heart. Reserve for later on.

When my ustaz said "Ask Allah, Allah will give it the best for you" and I always ask Allah place my ayah in such a nice place with nice peoples. I ask Allah let ayah have better family there. I know that Allah is the mighty. That is where I realized all I have now is Allah.

I believe Allah will protect my family and me. Of course Allah will give happiness to my ayah over there. Insya Allah.

Wassalamualaikum.

My Holidays

Hmmm... Quite long time didn't speak through my typing here.... Well, Assalamualaikum.

Seriously, lama juga langsung tak buka blog even dekat app on my tab. Why? Maybe I treat this whole blog stuff as my open diary.... But I don't have close diary either... I stop doing diary stuff when I was in sekolah rendah lagi.

I only write here, when only I have nobody around me to talk or have a chat with me. Should I use the simpler term? Alone. Yep, when I use to be alone, I tend to feel alone. That's it! That make me write here like a loner. That sucks.

Semester holidays reaching the end. So far, during this holidays nothing much happened. Just we had a first time ever puasa without ayah. Quite awkward. I use to angry early in the morning during sahur session because my ayah won't budge to get up and eat, instead he continue sleeping. But now.... I don't have to, because he is not here anymore. I wish he is. So he can buy my favorite juadah at  bazar. Only he knows what I love in bazar. and which bazar it is.

I do miss him. a lot. 

I'm done with raya outfit for me, my sister and my mak. For my brother, I ask him to buy himself but need to match with us. Our theme for this year should be grassy green (colour of the year 2017), but I think that colour just ugly for our skin yang tak berapa tanned ni dan tak berapa fair ni. So, I decide still go with green, but dark green. Don't mind olive green or emerland green or what. But dark green. Dark clothing will serlahkan our skin tonnes bit more. Actually bukan tak nak cari baju abang sekali, but when i go to baju melayu section, I see baju-baju besar dulu. That remind me to ayah. I want to buy one for him. Instead terus rasa sebak dekat kedai baju, I decide let abang find one for himself lah..

Two weeks of fasting done, two weeks to go. That two weeks I will be fasting in hostel. Sahur and berbuka with dorm mates. Actually, fasting in asrama harder than at home. Maybe because I did too much walking there. Rumah I kecil, so maybe less walking and sekolah dah la besar, jauh dengan asrama. Kelas pula paling atas. Dorm pula kena naik turun tangga juga. Maybe that is the factor I get tired and hungry more in asrama rather than dekat rumah. 

Serious penat puasa dekat asrama. Tapi lauk sedap!

When the holidays reach the ends, that mean i need pack my clothes and ready to get back to my school. This semester will be quite hard. We'll do much more outdoor stuff. and yeah! We'll enter Floria in Putrajaya this year! Yeah, my classmate and me! With our lecturers of course!

Hm... What else? I guess that is it for now. For the bright side. For the next entry, I'll  be write my heart confession. I'll be the dark side. Side that I won't tell or show anyone. But here. Because I know that no one will read such a useless words here.

I'm not Me anymore

After my dad passed away on last 11th March, I sleep really early. Then I wake up like in the afternoon on the next day. Then I sleep in the evening. Then I wake up during the dawn. Then I sleep back early. Practically I filled my days for the whole week with sleeping. It just my body become weak suddenly. I feel like I've been used my energy for a marathon or something. 

That just the first week. I did skipped my classes for the whole week. My luck, the next week is school holidays. So, on the second week I slowly gain back my energy to avoid sleep and do something. Finally I'm good to see my friends back. I'm good to laugh and smile again. But I still feel that is really not me. 

Now I'm gonna face the third week without my dad. And tomorrow I'm gonna back to hostel. Another two weeks apart from my mom and my siblings and my friends here. I don't know why, I'm slowly become depressed. I feel stress and like a full of mess now. I'm feel afraid to leave my family. Because they are my strength. I'm afraid if I'll lost someone else. My dad just left us, now I need to left them? Gosh!

My head just feel so heavy. I keep tearing. I don't know why. It just.... I don't know how to explain it. I just don't want to be apart with my mom. I want my mom always with me. I don't want go to the hostel. It full of stress. It will make my mind more fuss up. I just want to stay here. I want stay here in our house with my family, near to my friends. I need them. If I'm at the hostel, I can't keep in touch with them. I can't here their voice. I can't tell them what happened in the class. I can't share my feeling to them. Friend in my school just different. They know what happened. I don't need to tell them. Because they're there with me like 24/7.

I just want to hear my mom voice. See her face. Eat her cooks. Hear her words. I want my mom to sooth me. I want my mom calm me when I'm stress up, sad, angry. I want to be at house. Always. Why can't I?

I don't think I'm ready to study with mental condition like this. My mind are like crushed now. I need sometime to work it out back. I don't thing I can handle assignment or work in this situation. It just.... I can't. I don't think I can.

Seriously, I am totally far away from being my self now. Especially internal of me. Could someone please help me out? Can someone fix all this mess?  

Membebel menerusi lukisan

Assalmualaikum warahmatullah hiwabarakatu~ Hai hello!

Kan hari tu iolls ada kata nak payung lukisan yang tak gopoh tu kan? Pecah rahsia lukisan ni semua sikit! Semua lukisan yang ambil masa lebih 10 minit adalah lukisan yang saya buat lepas mandi. Sebelum mandi semua quick muik painting, sebab kejar masa nak mandi! *sengal je*

Normallah, anak dara mandi lambat kannn.. Mandi awal-awal bukan nak pergi mana pun. Dok terperap dalam bilik mereput atas katil dok layan movie or drama adalah! Aku tahu bukan aku sorang je perangai tak senonoh cegini. Yang lain tu kalau tak layan drama mesti dok scroll timeline twitter tak pun instagram!

Sebenarnya bila aku rasa nak membebel at the same time aku nak melukis, that time lah aku buat both of them. Aku akan membebel dalam otak sambil conteng-conteng kertas.

Lebih kurang macam lepas stress juga la... Bila aku rasa macam something membelengu fikiran ini... ecehhhh... Tapi serious, when something just choose to fly everywhere in my mind and don't want to get out.. I write it down, draw it, paint it. Sometimes sambil dengar  lagu, but sometimes it just me talking silently without any voice. Thinking about something seriously while draw it.

This when I curious how do I look when I'm older.
Aku tengok gambar mak aku, lepas tu aku combine sikit muka aku. Jadi la ni...

Kat bawah gambar ni aku ada tulis 'Mak, you always grow young' Aku tak ingat sangat pasal lukisan nih..
25 September 2015, quite a long time ago kan?
I paint this on drawing block sekolah. The cheap and thin paper... With cheap Daiso water color and some cheap blank ink pen.

At the end, it may not looks good. Because thing in my mind rarely a pretty thing. Duh. Sometimes it  does look meaningful for me. Sometimes when I stare at it for few seconds, it make me tears. Then smile. Just think how crazy and insane I am. How can my own drawing make me feel so much emotional?

For me, that is the beautiful of a painting or a drawing or maybe it just a word that written on a piece of paper.

The result make my heart just like a shore. Sekejap ombak manja mai, pastu dia blah. Pastu ombak kuat sikit mai, pastu dia blah. Macam tu la lebih kurang.

Aku bukan budak sasterwan pandai bermadah punjangga semua ni. Semua aku bebel ni straight from inside of me. No filter. Original punya feeling.

Ni masa aku terfikir pasal orang bakar hutan. Randomly. Time tu tak jerebu pun rasanya...
Vibrant color from affordable Pentel 12 water colour tubes 

Bila penyajak rasa something in their mind they write puisi or lagu. But me, aku tak ada bakat semua tu. Aku buat apa yang aku suka. Aku buat apa yang aku mampu. Sometimes aku langgar semua tu. Konon nak challenge diri sendiri ah.. Aku end up give up! Tipu ah kalau tak pernah give up kan... Tu buktikan aku manusia biasa nothing special. Aku bukan genius. Aku bukan pelukis profesional semua tu. Aku lukis ikut apa yang aku observed. Ikut apa yang aku tau aku boleh taram gitu je.

Aku dah lama give up nak sambung warna benda ni. Sebab makin aku sentuh makin buruk plus malas plus boring plus tak reti

Bila bosan, aku just randomly sketch. Lee Hoon Hwa antara hasil 'kerandoman' itu.
*I don't think dia exist*

Tak sure korang nampak or tak, sebenarnya aku dok lukis belakang kertas printed A4 paper
Reuse katanya!

Ni pun sama, reuse sebenarnya. random gila sketch mamat nih.
*mamat ni pun tak wujud kot*

Ni korang boleh nampka kot.. Terang-terang guna semula kertas tu ha... 

This one bit creepy kan? This totally not random! Aku memang tak reti lukis portrait.
Confirm korang tak cam kan? Ahahaha, aku try lukis Marc Marquez sebenarnya!

I saw a picture of  Oregon Mt. so I decide to paint it lah.

Mula-mula beli berus kipas tu, konon nak buat effect rumput, last-last fail!
 that's alright. Dari failure kita belajar kan? 

Aku tak guna professional technique, professional tools semua tu, sebab tu aku panggil conteng-conteng. Main tibai apa yang boleh. Ye lah, it just for self satisfying kan....

Tu je yang akak boleh payung uolls kot... Dah banyak membebel nih! Bye for now~