Confession

 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum. As an intro, I'd to say if you are reading this and you know who I am in the real world, I wish that it just you who is reading this. No one else. And if we're totally strangers, you will know what people around me don't know.

11th March 2017, Saturday. The day that I hate to remember, to talk or write about. But till when? So, here I'm writing here bout it. 

My ayah, Wan Zulkifli passed away on that night.

At the evening was cool, with his hot nescafe tea. Enjoy his leisure front our house. Had a small chat with the neighbor. He maybe had a quick nap too. Then he take his dinner. My mak cook her awesome sambal tumis for dinner. Then he took another nap I guess.

While I'm enjoying dramas on my iPad, he wake up and charge his phone in the kitchen. Then he seat on couch and get up to the kitchen check on his incoming whatsapp. He did that twice or thrice. I just let him be. He look quite busy with his phone.

Suddenly, he stop. He sat on the same couch as before and started whining "Aduh". He push hard on his belly area. And that is how my only one super hero became ill. 

Early in the morning, doctor diagnosed he had a gastric problem. So, we thought he might be fainted. 

Like... No one ever died because of gastronomic thingy, unless it is ulcer or cancer or something worst than that.

After the ambulance came and after we done all the CPR and those emergency stuff, they informed us that my super hero is flew away, somewhere far away.

Start from that second, I realized. I had no man to protect me like ayah always do. I had no man to cheer me up. I had no man that can fetch me from my hostel. I had no super hero around me anymore. 

and I realized, I have to be my own super hero, since I have continue my life, my study, my dreams. Sure won't give up on those things.

and guess what, I realized another thing. A thing that bring me back to square one.

If only I success with my life, my study, my dreams that I've never give up, who will cheer me for that? Who will proud of? Who will congrats me?

Then my mak's face come, my siblings face come.

Sure, I still have them. But, the person only ever say he proud of me is him. It's my ayah, my only one super hero. He always did it for me. Even for those little things. Like when I finished my food, like when I can draw and colours, like when I can count more than ten, like when I finished my pre-school, like when I go up to the stage for receiving an award for my pointers. 

Only he make appearance for become my loyal cheerleader.

Like I said, I feel no one can ever protect me. I feel anyone can harm me freely. I feel like a hot air balloon with patches of holes. When the wind and storm come,  I feel like no one can save me, except my self. I feel like fighting alone without any backups.

I do have brothers. But they don't even mind about me. I don't even close with them. All I want is my ayah. I want him to protect me. To be on my side when someone pick on me.

This maybe what people might said "lack of  love" I don't mind that. Because I think it is true. I lost my dad, it mean I lost his love too. 

And some other people would said "Go find a mate" No. Mate are not the answer. It will burden me, it sure will burden him. I'll keep this special place in my heart just for who deserve it. He will be the only guy in my heart one after my father (*Of course after Prophet Muhammad S.A.W too) And now are not the correct time having him in my heart. Reserve for later on.

When my ustaz said "Ask Allah, Allah will give it the best for you" and I always ask Allah place my ayah in such a nice place with nice peoples. I ask Allah let ayah have better family there. I know that Allah is the mighty. That is where I realized all I have now is Allah.

I believe Allah will protect my family and me. Of course Allah will give happiness to my ayah over there. Insya Allah.

Wassalamualaikum.

My Holidays

Hmmm... Quite long time didn't speak through my typing here.... Well, Assalamualaikum.

Seriously, lama juga langsung tak buka blog even dekat app on my tab. Why? Maybe I treat this whole blog stuff as my open diary.... But I don't have close diary either... I stop doing diary stuff when I was in sekolah rendah lagi.

I only write here, when only I have nobody around me to talk or have a chat with me. Should I use the simpler term? Alone. Yep, when I use to be alone, I tend to feel alone. That's it! That make me write here like a loner. That sucks.

Semester holidays reaching the end. So far, during this holidays nothing much happened. Just we had a first time ever puasa without ayah. Quite awkward. I use to angry early in the morning during sahur session because my ayah won't budge to get up and eat, instead he continue sleeping. But now.... I don't have to, because he is not here anymore. I wish he is. So he can buy my favorite juadah at  bazar. Only he knows what I love in bazar. and which bazar it is.

I do miss him. a lot. 

I'm done with raya outfit for me, my sister and my mak. For my brother, I ask him to buy himself but need to match with us. Our theme for this year should be grassy green (colour of the year 2017), but I think that colour just ugly for our skin yang tak berapa tanned ni dan tak berapa fair ni. So, I decide still go with green, but dark green. Don't mind olive green or emerland green or what. But dark green. Dark clothing will serlahkan our skin tonnes bit more. Actually bukan tak nak cari baju abang sekali, but when i go to baju melayu section, I see baju-baju besar dulu. That remind me to ayah. I want to buy one for him. Instead terus rasa sebak dekat kedai baju, I decide let abang find one for himself lah..

Two weeks of fasting done, two weeks to go. That two weeks I will be fasting in hostel. Sahur and berbuka with dorm mates. Actually, fasting in asrama harder than at home. Maybe because I did too much walking there. Rumah I kecil, so maybe less walking and sekolah dah la besar, jauh dengan asrama. Kelas pula paling atas. Dorm pula kena naik turun tangga juga. Maybe that is the factor I get tired and hungry more in asrama rather than dekat rumah. 

Serious penat puasa dekat asrama. Tapi lauk sedap!

When the holidays reach the ends, that mean i need pack my clothes and ready to get back to my school. This semester will be quite hard. We'll do much more outdoor stuff. and yeah! We'll enter Floria in Putrajaya this year! Yeah, my classmate and me! With our lecturers of course!

Hm... What else? I guess that is it for now. For the bright side. For the next entry, I'll  be write my heart confession. I'll be the dark side. Side that I won't tell or show anyone. But here. Because I know that no one will read such a useless words here.