Back here?

 Whewww.... I had forgotten bout this so called my safe space to rant panjang panjang. Got lotta bebel here!

It is 2026, i am in my mid 20's, few years before hitting 30! and, finally I graduated with Honor, Alhamdulillah Ala Kulli Haal~ Found a job and start working before graduating, yet now I am resigning. tak ada rezeki at that place I believe. Insya'Allah, rezeki Allah tu LUAS!

I found someone, insya'Allah my future, my eternal partner, my imam. We met online, then I decide to meet face to face quite in a short time cause this gal almost 30! Ain't got time for cintan cintun for fun. She date to nikah terus! He agreed to meet and taraa almost 300 days together. I even introduce him too my family and friends.

Oh! Introduce him to my family on my birthday. I had never hosted my own birthday dinner, that was the first time ever ya! I did succeed to gather all my siblings include my in-laws and we had iftar together. It was a great dinner tho.

Also, currently I also menabung for my umrah on this October. No proper saving, but I believe Tuhan dah gerakkan hati to pray and wish for it, mesti Tuhan nak bagi punya. He is Maha Pemberi, Maha Mengetahui. Never sangka buruk or underestimate our God. Insya'Allah nothing is impossible.

I feel so blessed now. I ada dekat dengan my mak after almost 10 years in architecture school, i ada dekat dengan my bestie, I ada dekat dengan my partner. Tuhan tu sangat baik kan? Thank you God! 

Walau Sekadar Mimpi

 Malam tadi I wasn't able to sleep.  Lewat juga mata ni nak lelap. Dalam pukul 5 juga baru lena.

Even it's not a long sleep, but I get a chance to have a really great dream. Best gila, sampai terkilan sebab terbangun. I dreamt that I'm in Mecca performing hajj/umrah with a friend and her mom and our muttawif I believe was also in my dream.

He said "Nanti akan ada hari yang kita boleh tawwaf dari pagi sampai malam." then I replied "Tawwaf sampai hilang kaki." and he agrees and we all laugh. Then he add "Kalau boleh meninggal dekat situ, kita tawwaf sampai meninggal."

Dekat dalam mimpi tu, it started with me looking around the mecca or the hotel. I'm not sure bout that. Bit I remember jalan sorang to biasakan diri with the paths and levels. Then I remember being in my current wooly blanket on a very comfortable bed in a room with them both. The room was not so big, yet still looks expensive tho. One small bed for me and one larger bed for my friend and her mom.

I really hope that the dream had means a really good meaning. So happy dapat pergi sana even sekadar dalam mimpi... Allahuakbar... 

A Moment to Forget

 Now I know that I'm having a depression with this loooong and constant low mood, it's really great if I could forget for a moment that I'm sick. 

I want to laugh out loud, smile widely and be happy without remember that my mental is sick. 

Happy Dream

 I'm not sure it is just me or other people having the same thing too. I can literally have a decent duration of dream even it just a 5 minutes nap. And lately I've been getting a really happy dreams.

Good thing that I'm able to feel happy even it just a dream. But when I woke up and realize it was a dream, I felt devastated, disappointed. How I wish it was a real and not just a dream.

Peak?

 I'm guessing I'm at the peak of having unstable mental. I started bang my head to the wall, hit my head hard, pulling my hair, crying my lungs out in the shower.

I'm thinking of seeking help, but it's hard. It is really hard. I had to think bout transport, fee, time and am I brave enough? And is it worth it? What if I'm fine, it just me overreacting...

I hate to face that even my family didn't appreciate my existence. They hates seeing me around. I need to be gone so that they'll be happier. 

Snail Nail?

 I noticed something unusual. Might be symptoms to something or just me over reacting to it. I noticed that my nails growing so slow!

I always cut my nails normally once a week just like others do. But this time it has been almost 2 weeks and they are still short.

Did they didn't receive enough blood or what? Lil things like this can make my anxiety goes 📈📈📈📈📈

"Stop eat."

Had a small quarrel with my mum few days ago. Felt so offended as I'm having a rollercoaster of emotion atm. Lil that she know, I'm struggling with losing appetite days by days since I'm so concern bout my menstrual cycle after the vaccinations. Menstrual isn't a joke for me, cause I always have a really bad period-pain like can't even stand straight and had to lie down like a cooked prawn. I know it is not normal, but having a late period more than 5 days can make it my anxiety worst.

So, long short story I'm having a tough day with menstrual stuff and appetite. All of sudden my mum ask me to stop eat and left some for my siblings to eat the food. FYI the food is cold and hard already. It's mean it's been on the table for quite time and no one ever touch it. I'm stuffing my mouth because I woke up and feel so dizzy probably didn't eat much from past few days. I eat not because I want to, I don't even feel hungry or even having appetite to eat. I eat because I know I need, not because I really want to.

Most of the time she will guilt tripping us "No one eat my cooks.", "No one eat, let me eat by myself!". So I thought by eat the food will make her feel ease at the mean time, but I'm 200% wrong!

I was so offended. It might seems like I always share and tell her everything. But believe me, I only tell her positive, happy, shareable stuff. All my pains, my anxiety, my struggles, I kept by myself. I don't be burden, keep her worry bout her useless daughter. She had lots of thought to be thought of. I don't intend to be on the list. But yah.... Looks like we don't even know each other really well even living under same roof.

I don't know till when God let me be here and how long He lend my mum to us. I don't wanna have complicated relationship with her, but I lost myself. I can't even speak to her. It's really hurts. So much.