Tumpang bahu

One of azam 2020 aku baru failed. Anxiety attack came back. Penat fight. Sumpah penat.

Aku pun try luahkan ekat one of my housemate. Aku cakap yang aku ada suicidal thoughts. And know what she replied? "Kau ni orang (read as *agama*) apa ha?"

Allahu. It breaks me more. It makes me feel worst. Doesn't reliving at all. Rasa macam betul betul betu betup punya tak tahan nak hidup dah.

It is not I don't have faith towards Allah. Wallahi, I couldn't explain how it feels, but I'm still His servant.

I did call befrienders, but the communication doesn't goes well. He couldn't understand what I'm trying to say, I don't know how to explain what is happening, end up I ended the call.

I know there are lots more human facing bad things in life worst than what I'm facing right now. But by asking what my religion doesn't help anything.

Nervous weh

So, next morning kami berlima akan start masuk office and officially start our job training for six months.

Aku punya nervous, bangun pagi tadi (5 Jan), tengok tarikh dekat phone, terus stressed out. Fikir nervous, first impression walaupun pernah jumpa boss time fyp presentation dulu... Aku fikir baju apa nak pakai, kerja macam mana nanti, Elaun cukup ke nak sara diri enam bulan ni, sempat jenguk mak ke tak....

Aku ada lah put some expectations durin ojt session ni. Aku harap seniors tak lokek ilmu, tak judge skill aku, and tak pilih bulu. I'll try my best learn new stuff, absorb as many knowledge as I can and improve my skill dalam enam bulan ni.

Aku takut weh... Macam mana kalau seniors tak suka aku sebab aku kasar? Sebab aku tak reti berborak? Macan mana kalau tak sempat balik jenguk mak? Macam mana kalau elaun tak cukup nak buat belanja barang dapur? Takutnyaaaaa😭