A Moment to Forget

 Now I know that I'm having a depression with this loooong and constant low mood, it's really great if I could forget for a moment that I'm sick. 

I want to laugh out loud, smile widely and be happy without remember that my mental is sick. 

Happy Dream

 I'm not sure it is just me or other people having the same thing too. I can literally have a decent duration of dream even it just a 5 minutes nap. And lately I've been getting a really happy dreams.

Good thing that I'm able to feel happy even it just a dream. But when I woke up and realize it was a dream, I felt devastated, disappointed. How I wish it was a real and not just a dream.

Peak?

 I'm guessing I'm at the peak of having unstable mental. I started bang my head to the wall, hit my head hard, pulling my hair, crying my lungs out in the shower.

I'm thinking of seeking help, but it's hard. It is really hard. I had to think bout transport, fee, time and am I brave enough? And is it worth it? What if I'm fine, it just me overreacting...

I hate to face that even my family didn't appreciate my existence. They hates seeing me around. I need to be gone so that they'll be happier. 

Snail Nail?

 I noticed something unusual. Might be symptoms to something or just me over reacting to it. I noticed that my nails growing so slow!

I always cut my nails normally once a week just like others do. But this time it has been almost 2 weeks and they are still short.

Did they didn't receive enough blood or what? Lil things like this can make my anxiety goes 📈📈📈📈📈

"Stop eat."

Had a small quarrel with my mum few days ago. Felt so offended as I'm having a rollercoaster of emotion atm. Lil that she know, I'm struggling with losing appetite days by days since I'm so concern bout my menstrual cycle after the vaccinations. Menstrual isn't a joke for me, cause I always have a really bad period-pain like can't even stand straight and had to lie down like a cooked prawn. I know it is not normal, but having a late period more than 5 days can make it my anxiety worst.

So, long short story I'm having a tough day with menstrual stuff and appetite. All of sudden my mum ask me to stop eat and left some for my siblings to eat the food. FYI the food is cold and hard already. It's mean it's been on the table for quite time and no one ever touch it. I'm stuffing my mouth because I woke up and feel so dizzy probably didn't eat much from past few days. I eat not because I want to, I don't even feel hungry or even having appetite to eat. I eat because I know I need, not because I really want to.

Most of the time she will guilt tripping us "No one eat my cooks.", "No one eat, let me eat by myself!". So I thought by eat the food will make her feel ease at the mean time, but I'm 200% wrong!

I was so offended. It might seems like I always share and tell her everything. But believe me, I only tell her positive, happy, shareable stuff. All my pains, my anxiety, my struggles, I kept by myself. I don't be burden, keep her worry bout her useless daughter. She had lots of thought to be thought of. I don't intend to be on the list. But yah.... Looks like we don't even know each other really well even living under same roof.

I don't know till when God let me be here and how long He lend my mum to us. I don't wanna have complicated relationship with her, but I lost myself. I can't even speak to her. It's really hurts. So much.

Gave Up

 I'm living my life but in an imperfect way. I'm not in comfort zone, not that happy, but not that bad tho.

This useless mco, fmco are just tiring. I gave up. Told my mom "If I survived, then I survived. If I'm not, then I'm not."

Everyday having those dark thoughts lingering in my head are not easy. Not easy to keep breathing, eating, sleeping. Don't even mention to be happy.

Dream still be a dream. Can't ever seeing in to be close to be reality.

My Shoe

Kau tak ada dalam kasut aku, kau boleh cakap apa kau suka.

Senang senang, mudah betul kau lontar soalan itu ini. Mempertikaikan keadaan aku tanpa tahu pun apa keadaan aku. Aku kagum.

Aku ingat kau antara yang dekat, antara yang memahami. Oh, aku silap rupanya...

Aku tak ada lesen, aku tak ada kereta, aku tamat latihan industri 3 bulan, aku belum konvo, aku belum dapat sijil tamat belajar, keluarga aku tak bagi dorongan sambung belajar, even nak beli pin upu pun tak sokong.

Bukan tak mahu kongsi cerita, luah apa yang dirasa. Akubtak nak kongsi perkara negatif. Apa guna aku sebar benda negatif? Apa kau boleh bantu? Mustahil... Biar aku pertikaikan apa yang kau buat pada aku dulu. Tak, kau takkan bantu. Kau akan terus pertikaikan 'kenapa tak itu, kenapa tak ini" 

Aku pun tak minta jadi begini. Aku tak minta ya. Kau, aku, lain. Hidup kita berbeza. Jangan bandingkan peluang kau ada dengan peluang apa aku ada.

My Birthday Song

I believe today is the best

I feel so blessed so I get dressed

Ain't got time for the stress, it's time for the blast

There's drummers in my chest and the beat reached its crest

I see bunch of my favorite

Not person but dessert

We got brownies, cookies, apple crisp, also cendol and ABC

Oh I'm filled with a bliss, I guess it got no abyss 

And beyond what I wished

Hide in Shell

 I don't how long I've been ranting here as if I'm overflowed with emotions. But here is where I feel safe to open up all in my mind and my heart.

This space is a shell for a snail me.

Lately I feel so devastated, so depressing, so stressful and not knowing why. The fatigue, rollercoaster of emotions, small stuff gave big impact, happiness last a second, tears falling like there's no end, but I can't do anything bout it.

I have no one to talk because of this pandemic, I can't go out, no income, mum keep getting angry at me, not talking to the siblings, must eat and sleep but I can't.

Somehow I feel no one ever appreciate my existence. Me myself didn't feel gratitude as well with me being me now.

Where was me that full of spirit, here and there laughing, charisma front crowds....? Is she dead? Is she hiding anywhere?

How I wish to disappear into thin air. No body to be found, no grave to visit, no memories to fond, no anything, just the way everyone want it to be. I'm sure it is what they all wants.

Don't Kill it, Please

 If I'm smiling, please don't kill my smile.

If I'm laughing, please don't kill my laughter.

If I'm happy, please don't kill my happiness.