I don't how long I've been ranting here as if I'm overflowed with emotions. But here is where I feel safe to open up all in my mind and my heart.
This space is a shell for a snail me.
Lately I feel so devastated, so depressing, so stressful and not knowing why. The fatigue, rollercoaster of emotions, small stuff gave big impact, happiness last a second, tears falling like there's no end, but I can't do anything bout it.
I have no one to talk because of this pandemic, I can't go out, no income, mum keep getting angry at me, not talking to the siblings, must eat and sleep but I can't.
Somehow I feel no one ever appreciate my existence. Me myself didn't feel gratitude as well with me being me now.
Where was me that full of spirit, here and there laughing, charisma front crowds....? Is she dead? Is she hiding anywhere?
How I wish to disappear into thin air. No body to be found, no grave to visit, no memories to fond, no anything, just the way everyone want it to be. I'm sure it is what they all wants.
If I'm smiling, please don't kill my smile.
If I'm laughing, please don't kill my laughter.
If I'm happy, please don't kill my happiness.
Don't simply prank introvert. Just don't. You don't know what she'll feel. We as introvert didn't like such attention. We hate it.
We really hate it. Believe me, we might have just laugh it out, yet we might cry out loud inside and lose interest to socialize.
Hari Isnin hari tu masa noon nap, sempat pula termimpi. And it was a bad dream.
Aku mimpi abang aku balik rumah, tapi the way he park the car was so terribly crooked. Lepas tu he try to realign the car tapi he end up hit kereta lain and teruk juga accident tu. Turn out he was drunk/high at that time. Lalok teruk condition dia.
I hope it won't ever happen. I hope it was just a mainan tidur semata-mata.
I think the last time I cry more than three daya in row was when the computer shop guy reformat my laptop and my fyp designs gone.
But now here I am back to square one, I guess. Except it's not my design gone this time, it's even worse. Me myself losing part of my own self.
I love making people smile, laugh and be happy. But one suddenly ask me to stop laugh. Yeah... I'll stop laugh now.....
It's always me who is wrong. It's always me to be nag to. It's always me where to yell at. It's always have been me.
It's because I'm not her. I'm not her 1st daughter. I'm not her 1st son. I'm a perfect person to not cherish on the earth. I'm a burden, I'm a problem that causing more problems, I'm a mistake that lead to more mistakes. Totally not a human being, i. I'm just a freaking parasite here.
Just throw your anger at my face. Yell out your bad mood at me. Pour all your negative dark stuff at me. Yes, I'm the right place to do so.
Exactly, I have no emotion. I'm just a parasite.
