Afraid

Aku biasanya takkan jadi myself sekarang ni. Sebab aku takut dengan the amount of hatred yang I'll receive kalau aku jadi sendiri. Sedih, tapi banyaknya takutlah. Aku takut orang benci aku. 

Cap Ayah dan Anak

Recently ni anak boss aku demam, so dia bawalah anaknya ke office.

Yang aku pula, dok perhatikan ayah dan anak ni... Lama aku perhati.... Aku jealous. Ye aku jealous dengan anak boss. Aku rindu ayah aku.

Ayah dulu asal lalu dekat dengan aku, ayah mesti stop and cium pipi or dahi aku. Dah besar sikit, aku tak bagi ayah kiss. Aku lap tempat ayah kiss.

Bila ayah dah pergi. Aku rindu ciuman dengan misai ayah kena dekat dahi aku. Aku rindu ayah... 

Bila aku tengok boss dengan anak dia, sumpah aku teringat ayah.

For ayah ayah diluar sana, kalau anak suruh stop kiss dahi or pipi dia, don't stop. Teruskan je. Biar dia feel secured with your fatherly love. 

Tumpang bahu

One of azam 2020 aku baru failed. Anxiety attack came back. Penat fight. Sumpah penat.

Aku pun try luahkan ekat one of my housemate. Aku cakap yang aku ada suicidal thoughts. And know what she replied? "Kau ni orang (read as *agama*) apa ha?"

Allahu. It breaks me more. It makes me feel worst. Doesn't reliving at all. Rasa macam betul betul betu betup punya tak tahan nak hidup dah.

It is not I don't have faith towards Allah. Wallahi, I couldn't explain how it feels, but I'm still His servant.

I did call befrienders, but the communication doesn't goes well. He couldn't understand what I'm trying to say, I don't know how to explain what is happening, end up I ended the call.

I know there are lots more human facing bad things in life worst than what I'm facing right now. But by asking what my religion doesn't help anything.

Nervous weh

So, next morning kami berlima akan start masuk office and officially start our job training for six months.

Aku punya nervous, bangun pagi tadi (5 Jan), tengok tarikh dekat phone, terus stressed out. Fikir nervous, first impression walaupun pernah jumpa boss time fyp presentation dulu... Aku fikir baju apa nak pakai, kerja macam mana nanti, Elaun cukup ke nak sara diri enam bulan ni, sempat jenguk mak ke tak....

Aku ada lah put some expectations durin ojt session ni. Aku harap seniors tak lokek ilmu, tak judge skill aku, and tak pilih bulu. I'll try my best learn new stuff, absorb as many knowledge as I can and improve my skill dalam enam bulan ni.

Aku takut weh... Macam mana kalau seniors tak suka aku sebab aku kasar? Sebab aku tak reti berborak? Macan mana kalau tak sempat balik jenguk mak? Macam mana kalau elaun tak cukup nak buat belanja barang dapur? Takutnyaaaaa😭

Beli baju cekolah

Musim shopping untuk sesi persekolahan tahun depan makin hangat, makin meriah. Aku tercegat dekat counter cashier tu, macam macam gelagat aku perhatikan.

Suka betul aku perhati ibu ibu sibuk mengacu baju pada badan si kakak si abang, ayah ayah pula sibuk melayan karenah adik adik baby clingy. Ha, time tu mula aku emotional. I was like "Ayaaahhh.... Nak ayah dokong juga. Nak peluk ayah juga.... Nak merengek sambil peluk tangan ayah juga."

Ahahahahaha, emotional teruk weh😂 Bergenang genang ayaq mata weh. Sumpah rindu ayah...

Pendek Singgit

So, cuti sem ni aku decided to do part time job untuk sara hidup bulan pertama aku dekat rumah sewa nanti. Aku kerja as cashier dekat satu boutique ni.

Hari first, okay. Cun. Happy lah juga.. Even ada twice kot aku lupa bagi baki dekat customer. Lalai, tak focus.

Second day, my legs damn hurt. Sakit gila weh. Aku keep squat, bangun balik, take some steps around nak elak lenguh. Lenguh dia sampai dari toes sampai betis sejuk. That's mean poor blood circulation dekat area tu. Sakit, tak tipu. Hilang focus...

Lepas tu, aku punya lalai sampai tersalah scan items. Padahal dah cakap balik lepas scan "S, s, xs, s?" customer pun nod. At last, bila check. Lebih seringgit, sebab 2 s 2 xs sepatutnya. Buat hal betul aku ni.......

Ha, hari first aku closing dengan supervisor. So macam tak risau sangat. Second day, aku kena closing dengan cashier lagi sorang. Aku gelabah teruk. Kesian dia...

Nak nangis, sebab rasa serba salah. Rasa menyusahkan orang lain.

Budak KL ke?

Masa first first aku study dekat Negeri Sembilan ni, ramai yang boleh agak aku ni asal dari negeri mana at my first sentence bila berborak. Sebab aku dah biasa guna malay-english mixed together dekat sekolah menengah dulu. Malay dalam sentence tu just melengkapkan or memalaysiakan ayat tu je. Most of the time aku lagi selesa using english.

Tapi sekarang dah empat tahun. Counting days je ni... Ada yang tanya "eh betul ke kau dari Selangor-KL? Tak bunyi macam KL pun" 😂 I try to adapt dengan new surroundings, new place, new friends as soon as I Can. If I need to change and live better here, I will.

And I explained to them. Aku boleh guna accent KL, but now I'm in a place where bukan semua dari KL or Selangor. Boleh je aku cakap "sekejarp ah" or "wait ah". But I'm using "Jap eh" here. I'm trying hard to blend in here😅😂

Lepas tu, ramai dekat sini from 'Fxlda'. Nothing wrong bout where they came from. Tapi most of them have this one stigma towards Selangor-KL people. For most of them, orang dari KL ni semua kerek, berlagak, hidung tinggi, can't really speak in malay, tak tahan panas and so on lah. But it is totally not how we looks like or act like. 😂

Aku nak tulis sini pun rasa lawak kejap. After knowsing about that kind of stigma, they'll try to be like one. Ingat cool ke? It feels like you having a culture shock or worst, kami ingat kamu oramg mocking us🙃 So, nope. Bukan semua orang KL or Selangor snobby. Banyak sangat nengok drama nihhhh

KL people, Selangor people adalah still manusia. Kami masih rakyat Malaysia. Kami bertutur bahasa Malaysia, dan bahasa bahasa lain. We might doesn't have any specific accent, but we speak malay too.

Tak kisah mana asal kita, yang penting jadi diri sendiri. If changes needed to adapting in new environment, try. But don't made it up by your own thoughts or just because the stigma that passed down from your old fashioned men