Air apa ni?

Semalam time aku otw balik rumah dari LRT, aku naik bas. Sedangkan mak aku pesan, naik grab. Sebab hujan. Aku tak dengar, aku naik bas juga.

Bukan saja saja, tapi time tu phone aku tak ada internet. Ada basic je, tu pun tak load pun booking grab aku. Aku ikhtiar, redha je at that time. Ye lah, internet aku habis sebab connect dekat laptop, nak render 3D. Duit memang habis beli top up je. Kalau habis, habis lah. Memang aku tak reti minta minta. Actually ada sikit, tapi aku simpan. Buat tambang pergi tengok rumah sewa hujung minggu nanti...

Masa aku jalan keluar station lrt, pergi bus station,  hujan rintik rintik je. Anmpak macam hujan baru nak reda. Aku doa, semoga aku dalam lindungan Allah, semoga aku balik, mak aku nampak aku tersenyum. Itu je yang aku fikir, balik jumpa mak.

Dah turun bas, aku kena jalan dalam 300m lebih nak sampai rumah. Time tu hujan turun quite kasar. Aku redha, dalam hati aku harap laptop tak basah lah😅 Aku pun selamba jalan, tersengih sendiri. Aku pun confused, air yang mengalir dekat pipi aku ni air apa. Air hujan ke? Peluh ke? Air mata ke? Semua dah bercampur😂

Dah sikit lagi nak sampai, ha kau. Hujan selebat lebatnya, package dengan guruh petir sabung menyabung. Takut, memang takut. Takut laptop aku basah, rosak.

Aku terpaksa jalan buka spectacles. Sebab memang raindrops penuh dekat glasses, tak nampak apa. Aku gagahkan juga, berlari anak. Dengan beg galas berat, awning tudung menyembah dahi, mata kecik sebab tak pakai cermin mata, aku berlari dalam hujan...

Sampai rumah, aku tak terus buka pintu dan masuk. Aku berhenti, tarik nafas, tengok keadaan aku. Aku tarik bibir biar senyum, aku buka pintu dan masuk. Mak aku muncul. Aku tersenyum, lepas tu gelak. "Heheheee sijuuukk"

Mak aku tanya, kenapa tak suruh grab tu berhenti depan rumah? Aku jawab, "tak ada grab. Ashah naik bas" masih lagi macam kerang busuk.

Aku berdiri atas alas kaki. Ye lah, aku lencun, takut lantai pun basah. Mak pun suruh aku mandi cepat cepat😅

Time aku shower tu, memang kaw kaw aku lepas air mata. Tak sangka aku tak disambar petir, tak jatuh tergelincir, tak kena langgar sebab tak nampak jalan, dan selamat sampai. Alhamdulillah...

Dan hari ni, aku turn on laptop. Nak sambung edit board. Tiba tiba laptop aku hang, stucked. Aku pun force off. Bila on, dia keluar bios utility EZ mode apa tah. Aku bukan faham pun.

Aku tak tahu la tu sebab kena air, dia jadi mereng ke, apa ke... Aku clueless.

Aku takut. Aku takut kena reformat. Sebab aku tak sempat buat backup board aku. Board design lama ada lah dalam pemdrive. Yang baru punya tak sempat buat back up, rushing nak balik awal hari tu.

Sometimes aku terfikir, kerja aku memang menyusahkan orang je ke? Susahkan mak. Susahkan teammates fyp aku. Susahkan lecturers aku. Memang hidup aku ni membebankan orang lain ke? Memang tak ada faedah sikit pun orang lain dapat dengan kewujudan aku ke?

Aku tak nak hidup kalau hidup aku ni membebankan. I don't want to live as a burden to everyone.

At the same time, it's not the time yet untuk aku mati. Suicide is big sin in islam. Aku pernah baca, whoever suicide, he/she will face 3 kinds of suffer. 1- to face the suicidal thoughts, 2- during death of the pain, 3- azab in akhirat which is kekal.

I'm afraid, terrified that I'm a burden to everyone....

Bila dia tahu

Back then after PT3, I applied for Kolej vokasional for diploma in landscape architecture. But I did it quietly and didn't even discuss with any of my family members nor friends.

On one fine evening, my ayah approach me. He asked "Adik... Adik a.. A... Ada apply masuk kolej ye?"

15 years old me surprised. I simply say yes. That's it.

I didn't even care how there were pool of tears that ayah hold by asking me that question. He smile, but holding tears. Again, 15 years old me didn't bothered with it.

But now I'm in my final year, I clearly remember how he stuttered asking for the answer from me. He knows that the school I applied isn't that near, 1 and half hour by drive the fastest from home.

I bet dia tahu yang anak dia will be aparted from him. Again. Yes. We actually had aparted about 2 years plus because of family matters.

It was really hard for all of us for that 2 years plus. We only get to meet like once every month for few minutes. He get to hug and give chocolates to calm his kids.

I never imagine to be apart from him since that. But Rembau isn't that far... Dua minggu sekali dapat jumpa juga.

And finally ayah returned to his Mighty Creator. We aparted again. For ever, yet till the time has come, insya'Allah we'll be reunite again🌹

0300 Prayer

This morning someone banging the door. I just woke up and check what is the time. It's freaking 3 in the morning.

I gulp some water and pray. I pray that Allah lend me happiness, some passion and no more depressing stuff.

And my morning alarm wake me up again. This time, it's 5.30. Off to shower and back to normal morning routine.

I try hard and my best to smile this morning as I'm out from my dorm.

Feel safe to sleep

If holding someone's hand tightly make you feel safe, for me it is enough with nice fragrance such as citrus, fruity, forest like smell make me feel safe.

When it comes to sleep, I need to tell my system that I'm safe enough to shut everything to fall asleep. Nice fragrance, silent and calm. If there is somebody I love around me, that is bonus point. Holding tightly while way to dreamland and waking up seeing that angelic face... That would be the greatest sleep session.

I love how nature produce great fragrance. I'd filled my bedroom with foresty fragrance so I'll feel calm all night long

;

It come today. This morning to be exact. I feel useless, trapped, I don't see any glow in my future vision. 

The thought knocks my head. It says, there is rooftop on my apartment. And I'm curious what is falling down and never breath again feels like.

It's not like I feel 'cukup amalan'already or I didn't think of my my and my family. It's really though, really hard to explain. I don't feel alive. I don't feel good to be alive just one more second anymore. I fell stuffed. 

And I know that no one will notice my absences. No one ever care about it. Alah... Aku sorang  je yang tak ada😌

If before tbis I'm really passionate for tomorrow, to achieve more, to making more people smile. But not any more

Tahun Depan Tahun Lompat Tau!

Hummm... Dah 4 tahun aku tunggu 29 February. And Alhamdulillah, insya'Allah kalau umur panjang, merasalah tahun depan 😂

So, kalau cakap pasal birthday... Apo layi? Hadiah ahhhh💁✨

Boleh je setakat wish and doa. Tapi tu lah. 

Aku sejenis appreciate benda yang aku boleh simpan and boleh ingat from whom.

Malas bebel, ni aku drop siap siap segala size yang macam diperlukan😜😜😜

Kasut, aku boleh je pakai anykind... Tapi kalau nak bagi boots drM pun boleh jugak😌

Ni kot lah nak bagi ring, nak terus masuk minang pun boleh... I do accept cincin gula gula diamond juga😌

Kalau gelang... Em.... Jangan gelang rubber band sudah lah😂 Ada yang aku buat ikat tempe kang

Oh, kalau baju... For now s and m manis lah... Tak tahu lah kalau tahun depan dah tukar size😂😂😂😂 semoga boleh sarung XS lah pulak🙃 #BilaNakKurusNi

Tak Jadi Kahwin Sebab No Wedding Dress?

Kalau aku ada rezeki untuk end my bujang life, I wish untuk buat majlis akad and majlis doa selamat only.

No need pasang khemah, no need persalinan 'raja sehari', no need a fancy hall, no need pelamin and so on...

For me, a plain white baju kurung modern, maybe a tiny bit of lace would be nice, no veil, no tiara. I want be very simple, after akad boleh bawa solat terus dengan selesa.

Hoping that my partner pun okay with it😂 Tak pasal pasal tak jadi kahwin sebab aku tak mau pakai wedding dress with veil... Ha mampuh aku😂😂😂

Biar belanja majlis kahwin sedikit, so that boleh top up on perbelajaan after that majlis😂 Rumah, furniture, utilities dan yang seangkatan dengannya.