Don't Kill it, Please

 If I'm smiling, please don't kill my smile.

If I'm laughing, please don't kill my laughter.

If I'm happy, please don't kill my happiness. 

Don't, just don't

 Don't simply prank introvert. Just don't. You don't know what she'll feel. We as introvert didn't like such attention. We hate it.

We really hate it. Believe me, we might have just laugh it out, yet we might cry out loud inside and lose interest to socialize. 

Mainan Tidur

Hari Isnin hari tu masa noon nap, sempat pula termimpi. And it was a bad dream.

Aku mimpi abang aku balik rumah, tapi the way he park the car was so terribly crooked. Lepas tu he try to realign the car tapi he end up hit kereta lain and teruk juga accident tu. Turn out he was drunk/high at that time. Lalok teruk condition dia.

I hope it won't ever happen. I hope it was just a mainan tidur semata-mata. 

It's hurt

 I think the last time I cry more than three daya in row was when the computer shop guy reformat my laptop and my fyp designs gone.

But now here I am back to square one, I guess. Except it's not my design gone this time, it's even worse. Me myself losing part of my own self.

I love making people smile, laugh and be happy. But one suddenly ask me to stop laugh. Yeah... I'll stop laugh now..... 

Parasite

 It's always me who is wrong. It's always me to be nag to. It's always me where to yell at. It's always have been me.

It's because I'm not her. I'm not her 1st daughter. I'm not her 1st son. I'm a perfect person to not cherish on the earth. I'm a burden, I'm a problem that causing more problems, I'm a mistake that lead to more mistakes. Totally not a human being, i. I'm just a freaking parasite here.

Just throw your anger at my face. Yell out your bad mood at me. Pour all your negative dark stuff at me. Yes, I'm the right place to do so.

Exactly, I have no emotion. I'm just a parasite. 

Vanish

 Every time I'm having suicide thoughts, I always think how burdening I could be. Dah mati pun menyusahkan. Peoples need to clean up the mess, property values drop, people will talk behind my family... And many more.

I wish I can just vanish into thin air. Like *poof* I'm no longer exist. No memory, no trace, I'm just not exist anymore.

I really wish I could vanish real quick right now. Like on this second.

Grab My Brushes Again

 Its been awhile since I paint. I love to draw and paint, but most of the time I draw for assignment, for event, commissions and mostly not what I really want to draw.

What make me happy is draw and paint for fun, no instruction, no yes or no, no right or wrong. Othe lil thing make me happy is I can squeeze out my paint just like I have unlimited stock of paint. I love the texture or piling paint overlaying, the brush leaving strokes texture, it just feel so satisfied.

Here is some of my papers that get my first touch after so long not mixing paint on my palette.

08 November 2020

I'm not really happy with the colors that I'm using for this piece. But the texture is quite nice. For first piece, okay but still need MORE PRACTICE. Perhaps 40 hours a day?

09 November 2020

I like how its turn like china made of tea pot set. Loving the blue hues and tones. But the leaves looks like I'm stuck somewhere in confine space. Still need practice