It comes Again

 This morning I had suicidal thought again. It's been awhile it haven't come, but this morning. I had tears running down my cheeks during my way to work in the train. Bad start for the day. 

And suddenly my boss revealed my mistakes in whatsapp group. I feel devastated. It is really a bad day for me.

I look outside the train. I see tall buildings and thinking how does it feel to jump of from the top? What if I don't die, just heavily injured and become a greater burden for my family? What if I  was punished to pay penalty because of trying to take my own life?

I wonder why would this all happened to me? Why my ayah left me like this? Why I must live this way? Why am I full with mistakes? Am I mistake by myself?

Can't I just disappear? Can't I end everything quickly? I'm really tired. 

Rindu Hendaknya

 it's been awhile aku tak melukis, tak mewarna.  Aku malas nak melabur beli stationaries, tapi tipulah aku kata aku tak rindu semua tu.  Sangatlah rindu nak melukis... 

Insya'Allah kalau ada rezeki aku melempiaskan rindu untuk melukis lagi,  aku akan mula melukis lagi

Hoping for not being a burden

All that we had here are mortal. He can take it any time when He wants to.

I might lost my sight, maybe I'll lost one or two or all of my limbs, I might can't talk anymore,  and I might can't hear anything. Or I might lost all of that at once. 

I'd never take them for granted. Let me go here and there while I can walk by myself with my legs and my sight. I'm afraid if one day I'll sit on the wheelchair, or I might need that yellow path to walk out, and I couldn't go here and there like now.

If one day I become disable, I'll try my best-est to not to bother anybody else. Me right now with all my limbs working well, with pair of ears perfectly working and eyes with sight is already a burden. Couldn't imagine what word can describe me without those...

Accepting The Real Me

So far, I've never met anyone that accepting the real me.

Here I'm talking bout me who is super clumsy, afraid of driving, loving plants, do crocheting, super forgetful, doesn't really like to eat, and lots more. 

Every morning I wake up, I try my best to be better me, to be better daughter to my mom, to be better sister to my siblings and be better friend to my friends. 

But day by day I found something went off. I lose my real self. I feell something wrong with how I live my days as me my own self.

Happiness level in my self keep draining... I feel tired. My friends keep push me to be someone who are not me.

I might forget who am I used to be. 

Pulling Inside

Last night was battlefield. Had migraine attack, couldn't sleep, late period may be the cause.

Forcing myself to sleep really hard, I end up fell asleep at 7ish a.m. It's really though...

Oh before bed I took paracetamol to ease the pain,  but guess what? Didn't work, the pill didn't reduce the pain even lil bit.

Grabbing and pulling my hair as I feel pulling sensation from the inside of my head. Painful, awful. 

Enjoy the lil things

With our current condition, we should just be super grateful and enjoy every single little thing around us. Keep growing the positive vibe, let it spread widely. Don't ever let even the shadow of negativity surround us.

We can go through this together. Stay strong people

Unbearable

The weather was magically perfect 

The sun rises just like yesterday 

Waking up, tying my hair, making my bed

Just like a very typical everyday

It might looks boring, cause you never see those little things 

Be happy, be joy, never ever take for granted

Sounds funny? Or coy? But that's what you needed

Don't hide your love

Don't avoid, it yours

Spell it, write it, read it, sing it,

Why don't you paint it?

Or draw on the sand of the beach

Soon the waves will keep it