Hari Isnin hari tu masa noon nap, sempat pula termimpi. And it was a bad dream.
Aku mimpi abang aku balik rumah, tapi the way he park the car was so terribly crooked. Lepas tu he try to realign the car tapi he end up hit kereta lain and teruk juga accident tu. Turn out he was drunk/high at that time. Lalok teruk condition dia.
I hope it won't ever happen. I hope it was just a mainan tidur semata-mata.
I think the last time I cry more than three daya in row was when the computer shop guy reformat my laptop and my fyp designs gone.
But now here I am back to square one, I guess. Except it's not my design gone this time, it's even worse. Me myself losing part of my own self.
I love making people smile, laugh and be happy. But one suddenly ask me to stop laugh. Yeah... I'll stop laugh now.....
It's always me who is wrong. It's always me to be nag to. It's always me where to yell at. It's always have been me.
It's because I'm not her. I'm not her 1st daughter. I'm not her 1st son. I'm a perfect person to not cherish on the earth. I'm a burden, I'm a problem that causing more problems, I'm a mistake that lead to more mistakes. Totally not a human being, i. I'm just a freaking parasite here.
Just throw your anger at my face. Yell out your bad mood at me. Pour all your negative dark stuff at me. Yes, I'm the right place to do so.
Exactly, I have no emotion. I'm just a parasite.
Every time I'm having suicide thoughts, I always think how burdening I could be. Dah mati pun menyusahkan. Peoples need to clean up the mess, property values drop, people will talk behind my family... And many more.
I wish I can just vanish into thin air. Like *poof* I'm no longer exist. No memory, no trace, I'm just not exist anymore.
I really wish I could vanish real quick right now. Like on this second.
Its been awhile since I paint. I love to draw and paint, but most of the time I draw for assignment, for event, commissions and mostly not what I really want to draw.
What make me happy is draw and paint for fun, no instruction, no yes or no, no right or wrong. Othe lil thing make me happy is I can squeeze out my paint just like I have unlimited stock of paint. I love the texture or piling paint overlaying, the brush leaving strokes texture, it just feel so satisfied.
Here is some of my papers that get my first touch after so long not mixing paint on my palette.
During me working, I skipped breakfast. Sometimes I don't even know the word lunch. All in my dictionary is hunger and dinner at home.
Imagine, from 8 am to 9 pm with stomach only filled with water once in awhile. Why do I need to work with empty stomach? Because I spend all my money on transportation. Sometimes mak would give RM10 for grab fee two ways.
Sounds like I'm a trash kind of daughter isn't it? Going work to earn but lose even more.
But when my sis went for work, my mom would buy breakfast for her as early as she can. She would pack some lunch for her too.
How I wish badly that I'd never existed
This morning I had suicidal thought again. It's been awhile it haven't come, but this morning. I had tears running down my cheeks during my way to work in the train. Bad start for the day.
And suddenly my boss revealed my mistakes in whatsapp group. I feel devastated. It is really a bad day for me.
I look outside the train. I see tall buildings and thinking how does it feel to jump of from the top? What if I don't die, just heavily injured and become a greater burden for my family? What if I was punished to pay penalty because of trying to take my own life?
I wonder why would this all happened to me? Why my ayah left me like this? Why I must live this way? Why am I full with mistakes? Am I mistake by myself?
Can't I just disappear? Can't I end everything quickly? I'm really tired.
