My Shoe

Kau tak ada dalam kasut aku, kau boleh cakap apa kau suka.

Senang senang, mudah betul kau lontar soalan itu ini. Mempertikaikan keadaan aku tanpa tahu pun apa keadaan aku. Aku kagum.

Aku ingat kau antara yang dekat, antara yang memahami. Oh, aku silap rupanya...

Aku tak ada lesen, aku tak ada kereta, aku tamat latihan industri 3 bulan, aku belum konvo, aku belum dapat sijil tamat belajar, keluarga aku tak bagi dorongan sambung belajar, even nak beli pin upu pun tak sokong.

Bukan tak mahu kongsi cerita, luah apa yang dirasa. Akubtak nak kongsi perkara negatif. Apa guna aku sebar benda negatif? Apa kau boleh bantu? Mustahil... Biar aku pertikaikan apa yang kau buat pada aku dulu. Tak, kau takkan bantu. Kau akan terus pertikaikan 'kenapa tak itu, kenapa tak ini" 

Aku pun tak minta jadi begini. Aku tak minta ya. Kau, aku, lain. Hidup kita berbeza. Jangan bandingkan peluang kau ada dengan peluang apa aku ada.

My Birthday Song

I believe today is the best

I feel so blessed so I get dressed

Ain't got time for the stress, it's time for the blast

There's drummers in my chest and the beat reached its crest

I see bunch of my favorite

Not person but dessert

We got brownies, cookies, apple crisp, also cendol and ABC

Oh I'm filled with a bliss, I guess it got no abyss 

And beyond what I wished

Hide in Shell

 I don't how long I've been ranting here as if I'm overflowed with emotions. But here is where I feel safe to open up all in my mind and my heart.

This space is a shell for a snail me.

Lately I feel so devastated, so depressing, so stressful and not knowing why. The fatigue, rollercoaster of emotions, small stuff gave big impact, happiness last a second, tears falling like there's no end, but I can't do anything bout it.

I have no one to talk because of this pandemic, I can't go out, no income, mum keep getting angry at me, not talking to the siblings, must eat and sleep but I can't.

Somehow I feel no one ever appreciate my existence. Me myself didn't feel gratitude as well with me being me now.

Where was me that full of spirit, here and there laughing, charisma front crowds....? Is she dead? Is she hiding anywhere?

How I wish to disappear into thin air. No body to be found, no grave to visit, no memories to fond, no anything, just the way everyone want it to be. I'm sure it is what they all wants.

Don't Kill it, Please

 If I'm smiling, please don't kill my smile.

If I'm laughing, please don't kill my laughter.

If I'm happy, please don't kill my happiness. 

Don't, just don't

 Don't simply prank introvert. Just don't. You don't know what she'll feel. We as introvert didn't like such attention. We hate it.

We really hate it. Believe me, we might have just laugh it out, yet we might cry out loud inside and lose interest to socialize. 

Mainan Tidur

Hari Isnin hari tu masa noon nap, sempat pula termimpi. And it was a bad dream.

Aku mimpi abang aku balik rumah, tapi the way he park the car was so terribly crooked. Lepas tu he try to realign the car tapi he end up hit kereta lain and teruk juga accident tu. Turn out he was drunk/high at that time. Lalok teruk condition dia.

I hope it won't ever happen. I hope it was just a mainan tidur semata-mata. 

It's hurt

 I think the last time I cry more than three daya in row was when the computer shop guy reformat my laptop and my fyp designs gone.

But now here I am back to square one, I guess. Except it's not my design gone this time, it's even worse. Me myself losing part of my own self.

I love making people smile, laugh and be happy. But one suddenly ask me to stop laugh. Yeah... I'll stop laugh now.....