Saturday, 25 April 2020

Syawal Kali Ini

Termenung lama aku. Mak berharap sangat nak balik kampung. Katanya nak kumpul "kita kita". Aku geleng. Kalau iya pun MCO dah habis, I'll never gather tak kisah among family ke, kawan ke, strangers ke. Nope.

Aku memang tak fikir nak raya pun. Call me paranoid what so ever, me being me. No shake hand, hug, laga pipi. Laga siku boleh kot😂 If setiap tahun aku lah yang decide baju raya satu family warna apa, cat rumah warna apa, langsir warna apa semua tu, not this year. Ahlantak,  we'll celebrate raya without any gathering. Lemang dodol can wait, tak rela aku take risk gadai kesihatan nyawa demi raya...

I try my best buat mak happy. Tengoklah, maybe I'll try cari COD lemang ke apa... 

Sunday, 19 April 2020

It's Not Monday

It's not even Monday yet, but I feel my day so damn blue.

As soon I woke up this morning, I feel confused, I'm about to cry without any reason, I feel helpless, fatigue maybe? It quite stressful for me to start my day.

I take a shower, hopeful can calm my emotion and be normal. Nah, the shower filled with my empty thoughts. I hate empty thought, it lead me to over thinking and might make me feel anxiety bout my life.

Out of shower, I dress myself, went to living hall and turn on the tv. I guess tv can make me forget this blue day. Nope, I watch for lil bit and went to my room. I start to cry, silently. I don't know why I'm crying. I cry and hoping it can reduce my stress. But I began grow more confused.

I hate this blue day. I hate it very much

Thursday, 26 March 2020

Bantuan Tidur

Aku ni sejenis nak susah betul nak adapt tempat tidur. Bukan jenis boleh tidur merata, payah sikit lah. Tapi,kalau from rumah sewa ke rumah family, biasanya aku had no problem nak readjust semula. And selalunya senang and lena betul aku tidur bila dapat balik rumah family. Yelah, dekat rumah sewa tu, aku tidur alas toto je weh😂

Tapi this time aku balik tak ikut schedule. Sebab RMO. Yup, aku balik rumah. Tapi itu pun setelah hati berbolak balik, nak balik or not. Sebab better aku stay dekat Seremban, sebab time tu cases dekat Selangor kemain menyeramkan. But my mom tak bagi. Katanya bahaya duduk sendiri berminggu-minggu, dengan tak ada transportnya, susah nak beli barang dapur. So mak decide to jemput aku, sebab aku takut naik train. Time tu belum ada kematian sebab Covid-19, tapi the situation starting to worst. Sumpah aku takut. Ye, memang sihat time tu, but what if ada yang infected dalam train? and aku akan bawa the virus balik lah kan? Baik tak payah balik kalau gitu.

Ha dah, jauh dari topic dah ni. Disebabkan aku macam tak ikut schedule, jiwa aku tak tenteram kejap. Kau faham tak, bila kau dah sebati dengan jadual kehidupan and tiba tiba kena langgar jadual tu, gundah gelana wei. Tidur aku pun affected.

Disebabkan payoh naw nak lelap even dah mengantuk tahap menguap keluar air mata deras kemain. Aku pun confused, tu air mata sebab menguap or sebab aku frustrated tak boleh tidur.

Aku terpaksa play something to assist me to fall a sleep. Like always, aku play playlist lullabies aku. It works, but only for few nights. Lepas tu tak jalan dah. Otak aku immune dah kot, entahlah. Aku pun carilah new stuff to replace my current playlist. And wallllah! I fall a sleep dengan jayanya. TAPI it only works for freaking two days only.

Stressed aku. Pukul 2 3 pagi mata tak mau lelap. Aku marathon Kdrama sampai aku tertidur sendiri. Esok subuhnya mak aku kejut "Adik, awak tak shutdown laptop ke?" ha kau.

The next night, aku belum cari bahan baru. Aku terlupa weh. *LOL* Malam tu aku berjaya tidur sendiri weeeehhhhhh🎉😎✨ Bangga kejap. But how? Hehehehheeee...... I talk to myself. Aku tanya diri sendiri tons of question about myself. Sebab aku pun takde lah kenal mana dengan my current self. So, aku tanya soalan macam "Current favorite color, favorite music, what kind of instrument I like, Hobby, Favorite food, can I cook it?, hafazan that I still hafal, etc" and aku tertidur sendiri.....

Malam gilang gemilang tu adalah semalam. Yup, semalam. And now is 1 almost 2 am. I had some stuff in my mind to assist me to fall a sleep malam ni. Maybe I'm gonna back to nature sounds macam camp fire, forest, beach, white noise... Dulu pernah juga, tapi itulah. Seminggu dua je, lepas tu mana mau dah

Semoga sebelum 3 aku dapat tidur lah🥱😌

Tuesday, 25 February 2020

Afraid

Aku biasanya takkan jadi myself sekarang ni. Sebab aku takut dengan the amount of hatred yang I'll receive kalau aku jadi sendiri. Sedih, tapi banyaknya takutlah. Aku takut orang benci aku. 

Thursday, 6 February 2020

Cap Ayah dan Anak

Recently ni anak boss aku demam, so dia bawalah anaknya ke office.

Yang aku pula, dok perhatikan ayah dan anak ni... Lama aku perhati.... Aku jealous. Ye aku jealous dengan anak boss. Aku rindu ayah aku.

Ayah dulu asal lalu dekat dengan aku, ayah mesti stop and cium pipi or dahi aku. Dah besar sikit, aku tak bagi ayah kiss. Aku lap tempat ayah kiss.

Bila ayah dah pergi. Aku rindu ciuman dengan misai ayah kena dekat dahi aku. Aku rindu ayah... 

Bila aku tengok boss dengan anak dia, sumpah aku teringat ayah.

For ayah ayah diluar sana, kalau anak suruh stop kiss dahi or pipi dia, don't stop. Teruskan je. Biar dia feel secured with your fatherly love. 

Monday, 27 January 2020

Tumpang bahu

One of azam 2020 aku baru failed. Anxiety attack came back. Penat fight. Sumpah penat.

Aku pun try luahkan ekat one of my housemate. Aku cakap yang aku ada suicidal thoughts. And know what she replied? "Kau ni orang (read as *agama*) apa ha?"

Allahu. It breaks me more. It makes me feel worst. Doesn't reliving at all. Rasa macam betul betul betu betup punya tak tahan nak hidup dah.

It is not I don't have faith towards Allah. Wallahi, I couldn't explain how it feels, but I'm still His servant.

I did call befrienders, but the communication doesn't goes well. He couldn't understand what I'm trying to say, I don't know how to explain what is happening, end up I ended the call.

I know there are lots more human facing bad things in life worst than what I'm facing right now. But by asking what my religion doesn't help anything.

Monday, 6 January 2020

Nervous weh

So, next morning kami berlima akan start masuk office and officially start our job training for six months.

Aku punya nervous, bangun pagi tadi (5 Jan), tengok tarikh dekat phone, terus stressed out. Fikir nervous, first impression walaupun pernah jumpa boss time fyp presentation dulu... Aku fikir baju apa nak pakai, kerja macam mana nanti, Elaun cukup ke nak sara diri enam bulan ni, sempat jenguk mak ke tak....

Aku ada lah put some expectations durin ojt session ni. Aku harap seniors tak lokek ilmu, tak judge skill aku, and tak pilih bulu. I'll try my best learn new stuff, absorb as many knowledge as I can and improve my skill dalam enam bulan ni.

Aku takut weh... Macam mana kalau seniors tak suka aku sebab aku kasar? Sebab aku tak reti berborak? Macan mana kalau tak sempat balik jenguk mak? Macam mana kalau elaun tak cukup nak buat belanja barang dapur? Takutnyaaaaa😭